Going Under
by Vampbarbie
Summary: Things are getting bad, very very bad. Can the crew of Serenity cope? Two characters discover that they are more similar than they realise. Pretty dark. Warning: Character death and mature themes. Please r
1. Whos Sleeping in My Bed?

Going Under

Here is my new story so please read and review.

I warn you now it is dark...well chapter one is alright but it will get darker and more depressing.

I own nothing to do with Firefly - I'm just playing here a while. Chac is the ancient Mayan god of rain for anyone who cares.

* * *

Chapter One: Whos Sleeping in My Bed?

"Turn around so I can undress."

Captain Malcolm Reynolds sighed and turned his back while the woman behind him undressed and slipped into the large double bed in the centre of the hotel room. Mal hates hotels. Waste of money. But the damn storm meant they couldn't get home. And now he was here, with her.

"All done cap'n," she says brightly.

Mal turns round and smiles at his mechanic who has the covers pulled up to her chin. Its not that she's prudish, its that she thinks he is.

"I…uh…" Mal wants to delay this moment a bit longer. "Maybe I'll go check at reception about another room."

Kaylee fixes him with a look. "There are no other rooms Mal." She flips back the covers on his side of the bed, and his catches a glance of a little more of Kaylee than he feels is appropriate.

"Uh…" he turns his head so he's looking away from the flash of white lace and length of leg poking out of the covers.

"Just get into bed darling." Kaylee slaps the space next to her.

Mal sighs. "Fine." It's going to be a long night. "Its just you know I hate being away from Serenity. Things tend to go wrong."

He pulls his coat off and unsnaps his suspenders. Kaylee turns her face away, but can't resist sneaking a peek. He climbs into the bed and slaps off the light. He lies there in the dark staring at the ceiling. Kaylee rolls towards him and he has to blow away a mouthful of hair. She snuggles up against him and he sighs, and wraps an arm around her. He finds her forehead with his lips through the hair.

"G'night Captain Tightshorts."

Mal pulls a face in the dark. "Goodnight Kaylee."

* * *

"Simon."

He opened his eyes to find River standing over him. He's dozed off on the sofa outside the infirmary. He had intended to stay awake until Kaylee and the captain returned. He blinks sleepily.

"Simon," she repeats insistently.

"What River?"

His sleep-addled brain vaguely notices that she has red and white flowers twisted down the lengths of her hair. Maybe Inara had done it for her.

"Don't worry about Kaylee," River says seriously. "She's sleeping with the captain."

Simon's eyebrows disappear into his hair.

"Not like that, dummy. Dirty mind."

Simon rubs his eyes. River points her toe at him, ballet like. "I'm going to be a dancer when I grow up."

He nods, a lump in his throat. She said that when she little. "Of course mei mei."

"I'm going to hunt porcupines. Pull out their quills." She cocks her head and listens to the rain on the hull. "I'm going to be a fire-fighter when the floods roll back."

Simon sits up. "River…"

She twists away from his hand. "Got to go hunt porcupines."

He grabs her arm. "What?"

She screams and he wakes up. He's still lying on the sofa and River isn't there. But there is screaming. He sits bolt upright. River! He leaps to his feet and runs.

* * *

He's coming. She can hear his footsteps on the catwalk above her. She claps her hands over her ears.

"Sssh River. We're here." Book's calm voice soothes her for a moment.

Book. Paper. Paper bound to make a book Wisdom inside.

"What is it River?" Zoë asks her.

"He's coming. Needles and pins. Porcupine hunter."

Jayne hovers nearby actually looking a little concerned. River is worse this time.

"River…" Simon gets onto his knees and reaches for the cowering shape that is his sister. Her dress is practically shredded. She shrinks away from him. There is fear in her eyes. Wash appears behind Simon holding a blanket.

"No…no," River babbles at him. "Stop singing! Too much singing."

"There's no singing River." Simon takes the blanket and tries to cover her with it. She struggles wildly with him.

"I hate it! I'm not a girl. Hate it. You sing in my head. It goes away. Being a girl. I'm a porcupine. Singing. Strangers singing in my head." She points viciously at him. "Stranger!"

"River!" Simon stares at her in disbelief. He grabs hold of her arms.

River claws wildly at him with her fingernails, drawing blood as she flails and scratches. A cloud of flying hair and sharp nails. Kicking and screaming and absolutely terrified. Her fingers catch the front of his shirt and several buttons come popping off. She flings herself back against the wall with a bang. Simon stumbles backwards to his feet and stares at his hysterical sister, his shirt ripped and his arms bleeding from all the tiny wounds she has inflicted.

River clamps her hands back over her ears and screams. Simon's instinctive reaction is to reach for her.

"We got it doctor." Zoë puts her hand on River's arm.

"But…"

"We got it."

River looks round and fixes him with a vicious stare. "You. You stick me with needles and pins. Pincushion. Porcupine. Don't make me better, makes me worse. You. You're just like them!"

Simon stares at her in utmost horror. How can she say that? Inara takes hold of his arms and steers him away numbly.

Wash is laying the blanket around River's shoulders, and Simon thinks that's his job; she's his sister; and for a moment he hates the man with his arm round her and concern in his eyes.

Inara leads him to her shuttle and sits him down on the edge of her bed. He doesn't say a word. She goes and gets a bowl of water and a sponge, and kneels at his feet. She dabs carefully at his scratches.

"She hates me," he finally says.

"No, Simon…"

He nods. "Yes she does. I can't fix her. I dragged her halfway round the 'verse for nothing. I'm not a good enough doctor."

Inara lays the sponge down in the bowl and moves to sit next to him. His head is bowed and his lower lip looks like it's wobbling. Inara has never seen him cry. After everything he's been through, all the hurts and all the hardships, she's never seen him cry. But now, big fat tears splash onto his nose.

He hiccups and rubs his eyes. "I'm sorry…I shouldn't…"

"Don't be, Simon," she says gently. "You're a wonderful doctor. You're doing your best. You've helped her so much."

Simon's face crumpled again and his lip wobbled. He was trying so hard not to cry in front of her. Finally he couldn't hold on and he buried his face in his hands. His whole body shook with his sobs. Inara gently puts her arms around him and pulls him to her. She rocks him soothingly. His head is resting on her chest and his tears are making a wet patch on her dress. She ignores it and makes soft calming noises to him.

"Ssshh Simon. You're safe. River's safe. Ssshh sweetie don't cry."

It is as if he's held everything inside so tightly for so long that he can't stop now its been released. All the stress of trying to keep River safe, running and just living with what he has done.

He whimpers like a small child against her chest. Inara's heart hurt for him. Poor Simon. He's been through so much. Slowly though his crying subsides and he sits shaking on her bed. Inara helps him lie down despite his weak protests.

"Hush Simon. Just sleep."

His red puffy eyes droop closed and his breathing eases slowly.

Inara rubs his hand gently. "Sleep Simon. I'll be here. You're safe now."

* * *

Jayne clambers down into his room in the dark, already pulling his t-shirt off over his head. He fumbles for the light switch before slapping it on. He turns to his bunk.

"What the?"

River sits up in his bunk, still wearing the shredded dress from earlier. It leaves little to the imagination.

"Safe here. Like a cocoon."

Jayne turns round and climbs out of his room without a word.

"Zoë!"

Wash appears at the end of the corridor, smirking. "Found her did you?"

"What the good gorram is she doing in my bunk?"

"Ah wacky fun."

"Hundan."

Wash spreads his hands. "We couldn't get her to go anywhere else. Just don't let Mal catch you. Or Simon."

"I ain't afraid of the doc." I might be a little of Mal though.

Jayne rolls his eyes and vanishes back down the ladder. He swears under his breath. He can't leave the feng kuag girl alone with his guns and knives.

He settles himself in a seated position against the furthest wall from the bunk without a word. He shuffles and tries to get comfortable. River stares at him wide eyed.

"What?" he growls at her.

"Jayne," she says seriously. "The porcupine doesn't bite. Stroke me the right way and I won't hurt you."

"You're a gorram moonbrain girl!" Jayne snaps.

She points at his pictures on the wall. "Is that what you want your women to look like?"

"Hell yes." Jayne grins.

River slides the strap of her dress down her shoulder and Jayne's grin freezes on his face. "What you doing?"

She stares at him intently, dark eyes never leaving his, strap slipping lower. "Sick of being a girl. Crazy girl. Make me a woman Jayne. Make it go away."

"What?" Jayne's mouth drops open.

"Please Jayne. Make me a woman." She blinks at him. "Please."

Jayne stands up slowly and goes to the edge of the bed. He can see the longing in her eyes. He can't take advantage of her. She's just a girl. He leans forwards and she tilts her face to his, lips slightly parted.

"No," he says firmly. He grabs a blanket from behind her and wraps it round her shoulders.

"You have to make it stop." She grabs at his arms.

"No I don't. That won't help River." And Simon would kill me, no matter what he said. He'd inject me with something horrible and then Mal would flush my corpse out of the airlock.

A fat tear works its way slowly down her nose.

"Now just sleep."

"Stay…" she pleads, gesturing to the bed beside her.

"I…" Jayne starts and then sees the look in her eyes. "Alright."

He lays down carefully on the bed beside her. River snuggles her back against him.

"See no quills," she murmurs softly then falls asleep.

* * *

Translation Notes:

Hundan – bastard.

Feng kuag – crazy, insane


	2. The Morning After

I know its not very dark yet, but it will get there. Cookies to anyone who guesses who the mysterious stranger is after the first coupld of lines!

I'm enjoying this story - I get to write crazy River!

* * *

Chapter 2: The Morning After

"Always knew you were the kinda girl to go bed hopping Kaylee." The man's voice has a smirk to it.

Kaylee and Mal stop loading up the mule outside the hotel with the spare parts that Kaylee dragged him across planet to acquire. It was drizzling and Mal has his coat collar turned up. Mal just wants to get back to his ship. He was hating Chac with its constant rain. A planet he doesn't want to come back to any time soon. They look at each other. Kaylee looks a little hurt. That was a voice they never thought they'd hear again.

"But I never took you for the type to jump into bed with his mechanic Reynolds."

"That's it," Mal mutters under his breath. He puts his hand on his pistol and turns round. "Its Captain Reynolds to you."

The man spreads his hands and shrugs good-naturedly.

"Whatever you say Cap'n."

Mal frowns. This was all he needed.

"So Kaylee you still flyin' on Serenity?" He asks the mechanic.

"Best ship in the 'verse," she says defensively.

"Always was." He smiles charmingly at Kaylee. "Prettiest, most talented mechanic that's why."

"Well," Mal tucks his thumbs into his belt. "It was mighty shiny talking to you Bester but we've gotta be on our way."

Bester walks up to them. "Oh no. You don't get me Reynolds. You owe me."

"I…I what?" Mal laughs at the absurdity of that suggestion.

"You heard me. You dumped me on that rock. Don't worry I can pay. I remember how it works."

Mal ponders for a moment. They could do with the cash. "Where?" His brain is working overtime trying to work out the implications.

"Persephone. Anywhere that's not the back of beyond."

They are headed for Persephone. And Mal knew that Kaylee's spare parts raid had eaten into the next week's food budget. "Alright. You got yourself passage. We're in the South Docks. We leave tomorrow night. We have business first. Can you get there by then?"

"Oh I can leave right now." He gestures to the rucksack at his feet. "If you've got room on the mule that is."

"There's plenty of room cap'n." Kaylee looks up at him all wide eyed.

Mal pulls her aside while Bester loads his bag. "You'd better behave little Kaylee. I told you daddy I'd take care of you, and there will be trouble if you shack up with him again, dong ma?"

"Yes cap'n."

"And I don't want your boyfriend's causing trouble with your lover's tiffs either."

"Yes cap'n," she smiles at him in such a way that he just has to sigh. Kaylee could wrap him round her little finger when she so chose. "What could possibly go wrong?"

* * *

Kaylee barrels into Inara's shuttle as soon as she gets back the next morning.

"Inara, I got something…to…tell…" she trails off catching sight of the man sprawled on his back on Inara's bed. Sometime after he fell asleep Inara had removed his shoes and covered him with a blanket. But he's half kicked it off and his shirt is ripped open so Kaylee can see his chest rising and falling with gentle rhythmic breaths. Kaylee wanted to see Simon like this but not in someone else's bed. His hair is rumpled by sleep and his arm is flung back above his head, bent at the elbow. His dark lashes are resting on his cheeks and he has a slight smile on his lips.

Inara appears from behind a curtain. Kaylee rounds on her. "How could you?" She doesn't really think Inara would do that, but she's just cross. She was already hurt by what Bester supposed and now this? Simon was too proper to even kiss her, yet sleeping in another woman's bed was alright?

"Kaylee I…"

The mechanic storms out of the shuttle, barging Mal out of the way as she goes.

"What's wrong with…huh…" Mal enters the shuttle looking over his shoulder, then looks round and sees Simon. He stares at the man for a couple of moments then says, "Servicing crew now?" He folds his arms and looks at her. "I thought we'd talked about this."

Inara stares evenly back at him. "Nothing happened Mal. We had an incident with River last night."

"An incident that requires our good doctor to be half naked in your bed?"

On the bed, Simon stirs and opens his eyes. He blinks when he sees Mal staring at him. Where is he? Oh yes…oh god.

"Mal!" He sits up. "Nothing happened, I swear."

"Calm down doctor," Mal says evenly. "You best apologise to Kaylee though." Mal won't mention that Kaylee was sleeping in bed with him just an hour before.

"What?"

Mal smirks. "Little Kaylee thinks you're playing with our Ambassador here."

Simon is on his feet in seconds and pulling his shirt round him. He runs out of the shuttle without his shoes.

"That was mean Mal."

Mal grins. "I know. But it was funny, and true. Anyways I got a new passenger and I figured you'd like to meet him."

* * *

"Bester." Wash repeats staring at the man standing in the cargo bay.

Bester nods to Wash. "How you been?"

Wash can only nod and smile. He looks to Zoë and mouths, Bester? Zoë shrugs.

"Bester." Mal repeats walking down the stairs with Inara behind him.

Jayne grunts. "Who's he again?"

"Bester. Used to be Serenity's mechanic…" Mal begins.

"Ah," Jayne gives Kaylee a wicked look. "The one our little Kaylee _screwed _out of his job."

Simon, standing alone on the catwalk, picks up on the innuendo instantly. He looks from the scruffy man in the centre of the cargo bay to Kaylee who is smiling at him far to brightly for Simon to be happy. He gets a sinking feeling inside.

River ghosts up beside him and Simon stiffens, waiting for another verbal or physical attack. His scratches still sting from last night.

"Simple Simon meet the pie man," she murmured looking over the railing. She puts an arm round his waist and rests her head on his shoulder. He tenses involuntarily.

"We're giving him a lift. Ain't it shiny?" Kaylee beams overenthusiastically.

Mal shrugs. "Since we owe him and all. Go grab one of the passenger quarters Bester. You know where they are."

Bester picks up his rucksack and leaves the cargo bay.

Zoë looks at Mal. "Are you sure this is wise sir?"

"Nope, but he's paying."

Simon looks annoyed and stomps from the cargo bay in search of his shoes. He's muttering something under his breath that only River can hear. And they're words that their mother would never have allowed in the house.

"Besides what harm can he do?" Mal grins at his second in command.

"Porcupine hunter," River whispers to herself on the catwalk.

* * *

Dinner that night was a strained affair. Kaylee is sitting next to Bester who looks at home already. She's laughing with him. Simon grits his teeth into a vague smile and sits down. He's apologised to Kaylee, sort of. He tried to explain but he didn't think she quite believed him. Or didn't want to forgive him this time. He wasn't sure what he was meant to be apologising for either which was not encouraging. He fills a bowl with rice and begins to eat it slowly. River is staring at him. He tries to ignore her.

Jayne waits for River to blurt out what happened last night. He's waiting for Simon to fling that bowl of rice over him. He is unusually quiet, maybe he already knows, and he's waiting until later before he kills me. I didn't do anything. Just looked after a girl. Not that anyone of them would believe that.

Inara leans over to speak softly to Kaylee and Kaylee just turns away pretending to be really interested in Bester's inaccurate story about a grav boot. Simon looks up and gives Inara a small smile. He understands. Kaylee is trying her very hardest to make him jealous, and make Inara feel guilty. She knows its working. She's not trying to be deliberately mean to them but finding Simon in Inara's bed hurt. A lot. And if she pretends to be mean to Inara, Simon will feel worse. All he deserves really.

Mal plays ignorant to all of it. Long as Bester don't cause any trouble he'll be happy.

River leans forwards towards Bester and fixes him with a hard look.

"You're a bad man."

"River!" Simon looks up from his food at his sister.

"He is. He's going to open all the doors. Set the traps, string up the nets. Walk on the dam and watch us all get swept away."

"Don't worry about her Bester. She's just a little crazy," Jayne says gesturing a circle at his temple with a chopstick, as he sees Bester's confused expression.

River stares at Jayne. "Don't care. Didn't help me." She looks to Simon. "You can't fix me. Can't fix yourself! Flooding. Everything's flooding." She stands and runs from the room.

Simon half stands, but Inara gets up first. "I'll go Simon. After last night maybe its for the best."

Simon nods and Inara leaves the room. The room goes quiet again as everyone continues to eat and talk softly between mouthfuls. Simon sneaks a look at Kaylee. She's so pretty and she's flirting with Bester. Simon may be dense when it comes to girls flirting with him but he can spot it a mile off otherwise. And right now its grating on his already shattered nerves.

Kaylee laughs a little too loudly at something Bester is saying and Simon stares hard at the rice in his bowl. He fumbles with his chopsticks and drops the rice onto the table.

"Ai ya!" he snaps, throwing the chopsticks into his bowl.

The entire table goes silent and stares at him. He mumbles something about checking on River and gets up, scraping his chair back. He dumps his bowl in the sink and leaves the room as fast as he can without running.

* * *

Translation Notes:

Ai ya- damn


	3. Swans and Saviours

Thank you for all the wonderful reviews and insights. I know Kaylee is being hypocritical but it helps later on in the story. This chapter is a bit more action-based. So enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 3: Swans and Saviours

The rain thunders on the windows of the bar. Mal settles his glass on the table in front of him and watches Jayne and Kaylee, playing Wash and Zoë at pool. Kaylee leans over to make her shot and Jayne smacks her on the behind.

"Do you mind? You'll mess up my shot," she says pretending to be offended.

Jayne just grins and slings an arm around her shoulder when she comes back to stand against the wall having missed the shot anyway.

Wash lines up his shot carefully.

"Come on little man just hit the ball!"

Wash fumbles and misses, then stands up glaring at Jayne.

Bester is somewhere over the other side of the bar, deep in conversation with a woman. Mal just hopes he won't have to shoo her out of the engine room later on. River sits between Mal and Inara, watching the game as well. Simon was sulking back on Serenity. He was really starting to piss Mal off. Surely Kaylee had forgiven him by now. And if she hadn't, then well she'd better. He wasn't going to put up with Simon like this all the way to Persephone.

Inara sips on her small pink drink. Mal wrinkles his nose. What is that stuff she drinks?

River turns herself and swings her legs over his lap and rests her head against his shoulder. Mal starts in surprise. "River…"

"Very comfortable," she murmurs nestling her head a little deeper against his neck.

Inara smiles.

River sniffs his neck. The others at the pool table have noticed this by now and are standing and watching. Jayne has an undisguised smirk on his face. Kaylee is smiling at him like she thinks its cute or something. River's hair is tickling his face. "I like you. You smell like Serenity. You're a rock to cling on to, won't get swept away here."

"Uhh good." Mal looks weakly to Zoë. Where was Simon when you needed him? Oh yes sulking. This made all this Kaylee's fault.

"Kaylee."

She hands Jayne the pool cue and walks over. "River sweetie I don't think the cap'n appreciates you doing…"

"He likes it."

Inara sniggers and Mal glares at her. River nuzzles her face against his neck a bit more.

He doesn't see the woman Bester's with looking over at him and River with intent in her eyes.

* * *

Kaylee and River continue to walk around the area surrounding the docks in the pouring rain. Mal, Jayne, Zoë and Wash are getting on with the job; meeting the contact and stowing the goods back on Serenity. Book is shopping for supplies; Inara is with a client, and Simon stayed on Serenity, with some lame excuse about organising the infirmary.

Bester is getting himself settled in. Kaylee tries not to think about any possible conversations taking place on the ship. Yes she wants Simon to be jealous. But she doesn't want him hearing how she came on to the ship in quite the detail she knows Bester would use. She pulls her hood further round her face and vows to tell him when she gets back. She knows she owes him an apology, for once, and he has suffered enough.

She and River have trailed about the town staring in shop windows at pretty clothes they can never afford to buy, and are now dawdling home along a path that runs beside a wide river.

River leans over the low wall that separates the path from the river. "Like me," she says, staring hard at the raindrops hitting its surface.

Kaylee blinks rainwater from her eyes and nods.

"I was named for the water," River says and throws her head back so the rain hits her face.

Two white swans go sailing lazily up the river catching their attention. Both girls lean forward over the wall.

"Ain't they beautiful?" Kaylee says happily.

River nods and points to one. "A cob. Male. Jayne."

Kaylee stifles a giggle behind her hand. "You're comparing Jayne to a swan?"

"Cob. Jayne Cobb. Under the surface always working hard. Stronger than they look. Can kill you with their wings. Beautiful." River sighs. "Can swim and fly. Escape."

"Uh huh."

River realises that Kaylee doesn't understand. She leans back over the wall. "Happy swans. Mr and Mrs. Cob and Penn," she whispers at the swans. "Cob and Penn. Means I'm a Penn. And swans mate for life."

"We'd better get back River," Kaylee says as the rain gets heavier.

They start walking again.

"Do you love my brother?"

It's so out of the blue that Kaylee stops and stares at her. "Shenme?"

"Do you love him?"

"I…I don't know…I mean…" Kaylee blushes.

"Will you look after him?"

"Why?" Kaylee frowns in confusion at the younger girl. "Simon can take care of himself."

River pushes back her hair which hangs in rat's tails round her face. "He's going to drown. Whatever happens isn't your fault." River wishes she could tell her more. "I'm going for a swim. Behind the dam."

Kaylee feels the crack of the rifle butt then nothing but black.

* * *

Jayne finds her laying in the mud.

"Kaylee? Kaylee, Kaylee." He drops to his knees and pulls her head into his lap. There's blood running from a cut on the back of her head. She's got a lump the size of an egg there. He leans over her, trying to feel if she's breathing. He holds his face close to her mouth. There is the faintest whisper of breath on his cheek. He clumsily finds the pulse in her neck. She needs the doc.

"Goushi buru, hitting a girl," he mutters under his breath, pushing a wet strand of hair off her pale face. "You're gonna pay. Kaylee, please hold on."

He scoops her up in his arms and sets off for the ship at a run.

* * *

Jayne doesn't leave Kaylee's side much to Simon's irritation as he tries to treat her. Mal too is hovering around the edges of the room, and Simon doesn't have the heart to order them to leave. The looks of sheer worry on their faces are enough to let them stay.

Only the beeping of the monitors breaks the tense silence of the three men in the room.

Outside Inara sits, twisting a cushion from the sofa between her hands. Zoë is pacing up and down. Wash is watching through a window, a stegosaurus in his hands, and repeating, "Come on Kaylee. Wake up. You can have my stegosaurus."

Book is holding his bible to his chest and every so often he looks heavenward, his eyes shut in silent prayer.

Jayne takes one of Kaylee's small hands in his big ones as he sits on the stool to her left side. She seems so little. He remembers crouching, unseen, behind the tiny window when that hwoon dahn fed shot her, and he feels a bit sick. His stomach is rolling. What if she doesn't wake up? What will he do? When he first came aboard Serenity the others trusted him as far as they could throw him, which was not at all. But Kaylee just said "Hi" with the sunniest smile and treated him nice. She stopped him getting lost that first day, showed him his bunk, pointed out her fairy lights with girlish glee, then took him to the dining room and sat him down with a cup of tea. No one except his mother fussed over him that much.

Kaylee please don't die. I swear to God and Buddha and whoever else is up there that I will make them pay. I'll give up all my guns, not Vera though, to let her live. Please don't die Kaylee.

* * *

River has been over every inch of her room with her fingers. It's a factory. She can smell the oil in the air. No point screaming. She knew they would hit Kaylee. She's sorry she couldn't tell her. Poor Kaylee.

River lays spread eagled on the floor. The porcupine hunters are coming. The real ones, who wear gloves to handle her; make her quills stand on end. Not the one who manages to stroke her quills flat with his bare hands.

"Needles and pins."

She wouldn't go back. She'd fire her quills out of her body, dress them in red. Her red tin soldier will come. And he'll lead an army to free her. He will part them like the sea of Israel and carry her so her feet don't get wet.

She rolls herself into a little ball on the floor. They will come.

* * *

Translation Notes

Shenme? - What?

Goushi buru - lowest of the low

Hwoon dahn – son of a bitch


	4. Breadcrumbs

Thanks for the reviews.

I'm glad at least one person picked up on my 'red tin soldier' bit.

And if anyone has any idea how Simon would refer to his parents, (Mum and Dad? Mother and Father? I know River says 'Daddy' in 'Safe' but I can't see Simon using that) drop me an e-mail or a review - it would help immensly for later on.

There will be a bit of a delay before any more gets posted since this is the last bit typed up. The rest is all in my chinese pattern notebook in random scribblings. As fast as I can type is as fast as you get it.

* * *

Chapter 4: Breadcrumbs

Wash has left with Zoë to check the cortex for news. Book is talking quietly to Inara in the doorway to the infirmary. Simon methodically checks his monitors and tries to keep his thoughts away from death; away from River; away from the fact that it's Kaylee under his care, again. He knows that the longer she takes to wake up the less chance there is that she will at all. He's not sure he can hang on to his sanity if she doesn't wake up. River's gone. He doesn't voice any of this, how can he? He just maintains a professional front.

Mal is fast asleep on the sofa outside. Simon doesn't know how he can possibly sleep now. It's been three hours since they brought Kaylee back and Jayne remains hunched on a stool at Kaylee's side.

Suddenly her eyes flutter and flit open. Simon breathes a silent sigh of relief out of her sight.

"Little Kaylee you gave us quite a scare," Book smiles and leans over to her.

She blinks and licks her dry lips. "They took her," her voice is a tiny dry rasp. Her eyes flit round the room looking for Simon. Her eyes find him. "River…"

He nods grimly to her. "I know."

Jayne rubs Kaylee's hand.

"But River…" Tears spring to her eyes. "They…they…"

The monitor beeps quicken. Jayne looks up alarmed.

"Her heartbeat is rising," Simon says steadily. "Inara please wake the Captain. Kaylee," he leans over her and touches the side of her face, "you have to calm down. Can you do that?"

His voice is calm and even, and not a trace of worry shows in it. Jayne wonders how he can be so detached. Kaylee nods her head weakly, barely moving. Simon's hand is gentle on her skin.

"I'm glad you're awake," his thumb makes tiny circles on the apple of her cheek.

Mal appears beside the bed and Simon's hand moves away from her face quickly. Mal leans over her and Simon turns away to check the monitors and prepare medication.

"Kaylee," Mal sighs. "Don't scare me again mei mei."

The two tiny Chinese words cut Simon to the bone.

Jayne stands up and cracks the crick out of his back from where he has been hunched over her. She's okay. Doc did a good job. Now he needs to go prepare to go tracking.

Kaylee sniffles. "They took River. Mal they took her."

Jayne freezes in the doorway.

"I know it," Mal says calmly. "Start at the beginning."

Kaylee swallows. "It was raining and we were walking around. We looked at some dresses and watched the swans. Then she started asking me odd questions."

"About what?" Mal asks gently.

"She asked me about Simon."

Simon's back stiffens.

"She told me to look after him, and that is wasn't my fault." Kaylee's lip wobbles. "River said she was going for a swim. Then…nothing."

Mal glances at Simon's back. He's so tense that his muscles are trembling.

"We'll find her," Mal says firmly to Kaylee.

Simon turns round a syringe in his hand. "I must insist that Kaylee rests now Captain."

Mal nods, "We'll be outside."

Simon moves to Kaylee's side. "Its just a painkiller." He injects it into the side of her neck, brushing back her hair gently. "Try to sleep. We're here."

They gather outside the infirmary, the doors shut so Kaylee doesn't hear them. Wash and Zoë have returned looking grim.

"Chatter on the cortex," Wash says, twisting the dinosaur in his hands. "Feds. A girl. Something about a reward."

"The Feds here hole themselves up in an old factory block outside town," Zoë says.

"How did they know?" Inara says looking worried.

Mal's face twists in an angry expression. "I know exactly how. Jayne, grab Vera. We're going hunting."

"I'm coming with you," Simon says firmly.

"Are you prepared to carry a gun here doctor?"

Simon fixes him with a steely look. "I did for you. I can for her."

"That you did doc. Jayne find him a gun."

Jayne nods and gestures for Simon to follow him.

"Wash, Serenity is yours. Inara, Shepard…"

"We'll watch Kaylee." Inara touches his arm gently. "Be careful." She lowers her voice. "Make sure you hurt them."

"We will."

* * *

Mal walks into the cargo bay to find Jayne gleefully holding Bester while Simon yells obscenities at him. Bester looks out rightly confused. When Simon raises his fist is when Mal speaks. 

"Jayne! Simon!" His voice isn't a shout but its loud enough to make sure they hear, and even enough that they know he means it.

Jayne drops his hold on Bester instantly. He knows that tone well enough. Simon stands with his fists balled at his sides. His face is red and he's trembling with suppressed rage.

Mal walks down the stairs slowly, boots thumping on every step.

"Don't waste your energy on him. Won't help your sister."

"But he sold us out!" he rounds on Bester again. "How much? How much was she worth to you?"

"Doc! He didn't sell her out. Doubt he knows how. Zoë, move them out!"

"Yes sir." Zoë's voice is all business. "Jayne, Simon grab your guns and move it!"

Simon mutters something under his breath but moves away towards the airlock.

"You better watch your tongue in future Bester. That gorram woman last night must have been a fed or a bounty hunter or some such." Mal's voice is low and dangerous. "If she dies then you better keep hold of that tongue for I will cut it clean out of your head."

* * *

"This ain't right sir," Zoë pokes her head round another corner to see absolutely nothing. 

Mal nods. They're into the fed's compound far too easily. They haven't even seen a fed yet. Mal is starting to wonder if Zoë got the right information from the cortex. Behind him he hears Simon shifting uncomfortably. Jayne is bringing up the rear.

"We split up," Mal decides quickly. "Cover more ground. Jayne you go with the doc. Watch his back." There's intent in those words.

Jayne nods curtly and Mal sees Simon's hand tighten round his pistol as the two men head off down the long corridor.

Zoë and Mal head up the nearest set of stairs. A couple of flights later and they hear screaming.

"Bingo," Mal whispers, hoping they aren't too late.

* * *

No. No. Not now. They're coming. Two by two, hands of blue. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Late. Late. You're not supposed to be here yet. Out of order. It's all out of order. Don't touch me. Please god don't touch me. Swans are flying backwards. Too much screaming. Too much singing. No no. Can't stay here. They're going to take me. I'll never see Simon again. Never see anyone again. Be a swan without its mate. That can't happen. I won't break. Fight back. Fight the gloves. Fire my quills. Hunters. Too much singing. Red tin soldier. Red tin soldier. Red tin soldier. Tin soldier dressed in red. Red tin soldier.

* * *

Mal kicks open what he thought was a locked door and goes stumbling into the room. He straightens, snapping his gun up. The small room is empty, and the tiny high window has been meshed over. The room smells of disinfectant, like someone has just washed it out. 

"Now this gives me an uncomfortableness," he mutters. "Zoë?"

"Looks like a cell," she scans the room, noting everything in one sweep. "Sir?" She points her shotgun at the floor.

Mal stoops and picks up the scrap of blue cloth. River's dress. "Good girl," he murmurs. "She's leaving breadcrumbs…"

* * *

Simon's palm is sweaty round the gun. They haven't run into any guards at all. He shifts his grip again. He's not sure he can shoot anyone, even for her. 

Jayne grunts ahead of him. He is looking towards a doorway. "Main factory space. Plenty of cover. Watch yourself." Jayne goes darting into the large room.

Simon takes a deep breath and follows. He secretes himself behinds stack of large round containers, back pressed to the blue plastic. He peers out.

The room is massive. Like a huge metal cathedral. Two storeys above them a metal catwalk runs round the edges of the room. The space in the middle has been largely cleared of machinery but there are piles of junk round the edges of the room.

"Why ain't there any feds?" Jayne hisses, shifting Vera so he can scan the room with her scope.

Simon shrugs, and then he hears the singing.

* * *

The screaming dies as they move to the next room down the corridor. There's one of River's boots on the floor in front of the door. Zoë gets behind him, her gun aimed over his right shoulder. Mal pushes the door open, his gun ahead of him and fears that River's dead. That it was too late. 

There are two men wearing suits and blue latex gloves, and unarmed, standing over the bodies of eight federal officers. There is so much blood. And no screaming girl. Mal gets a shot of ice through his guts as he looks at the men. His whole body is screaming at him to run, and run now. He hadn't been this afraid since the early days of the war. The ice in his gut intensifies. The nearest man looks at him quizzically, his head tilted to one side. The second lifts a small plastic 'rod' thing and turns it over, aiming it towards him. What the hell was that? It couldn't be good.

"Zoë!" He backs out of the door, pushing into her. "Go!"

She is already moving back towards the stairs that they had come up.

A high pitched humming fills the air. Mal feels something wet drip onto his top lip. He rubs athis noseand his fingers come away scarlet.


	5. Saying Goodbye

Well here is chapter 5, hope you enjoy! This one has a nice death in it. I'm not saying who! This chapter actually depressed me to write so it had better be good.

The song is'My Immortal' by Evanescence, I just thought it really fit River well.

* * *

Chapter 5: Saying Goodbye

First off Simon thinks he's imagining it, then Jayne cocks his head upwards listening.

"I'm so tired of being here,  
Suppressed by all my childish fears.  
And if you have to leave,  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone.  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase.  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears.  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.  
And I held your hand through all of these years.  
But you still have  
All of me."

Simon stands up and moves out of cover. He can't help himself. River is walking…more like drifting, along the catwalk high above them.

"Doc…" Jayne hisses at him.

Simon's gun hangs loosely at his side. He's never heard River sing like this. It hardly sounds like her. It's like a choir in an empty cathedral, all echoes and angels. It sends unwanted chills down his spine. She's still wearing the blue dress she had on when she left with Kaylee, but its in tatters round the bottom, like its been ripped. Her feet are bare. She walks, light as a feather, along the catwalk. Finally she comes to a stop in the centre of the section running along the far wall. She leans on the railing.

Simon darts forward into the large open space before he even thinks about the fact that he might get shot. There's no stairs. Who builds a factory with no rutting stairs?

River smiles at him. But gradually her gaze slides past her brother.

"You used to captivate me by your resonating light  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away  
All the sanity in me.  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase."

Jayne feels compelled to follow Simon. Her voice is ringing in his head. He shakes his head to try and get it out. He can't take his eyes off her. Jayne's hands tighten on Vera as he stands. He knows better than to walk into the open, but he can't make his feet obey him. River's voice is like the siren's song, and it's going to lead him to his doom.

"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears.  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.  
And I held your hand through all of these years.  
But you still have  
All of me.  
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone.  
But though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears.  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.  
And I held your hand through all of these years.  
But you still have  
All of me."

* * *

As the song dies away River looks down at the two men gawping at her. They're safe enough. No feds here. Not anymore. She leans forwards so the rail is under her armpits, letting her hands hang down. She licks her lips.

"Prince Charming is looking for his swan princess."

"What?" Jayne grunts out loud.

"I didn't say anything," Simon says looking at him with a frown.

Jayne realises she's in his gorram head. She's not moving her mouth. She _is_ in his head.

"Don't talk just listen little tin soldier all in red. Need you to do something. Guard him. He's going to go mad. I can't kill _you_ with my mind." She smiles softly at him. "You never found my glass slipper Jayne. Doesn't matter, I'll swim barefoot."

Her eyes are wide and dark, and Jayne can't tear his gaze away from the crazy girl two storeys above them.

"I'll be sleeping beauty. Does that make you the Beast? Copper for a kiss. I was waiting…" she smiles sadly at him, and all Jayne wants to do is kiss those pink lips and hold her in his arms while he kills them all.

"River…" there is a warning tone in Simon's voice.

She turns her head to one side. "I told you there was singing."

Simon's eyes go wide as saucers when he realises she isn't speaking out loud. This isn't possible. Science says it isn't possible.

"I'm sorry I was mean," her voice is so soft. "I love you."

Simon rubs his temples. Not real not real not real.

"Of course I'm real. Simple Simon. My wan mêi brother. I could have done this at the Academy. Let the voices in. But I waited. I waited for you. Knew you would come. Thought you could make it better. But you can't. It isn't your fault. You tried. If I let the voices in I will drown."

She smiles at him in a way which makes him want to fall to the floor and bawl his eyes out.

"Can't dam a river forever. Goodbye Simon, my lìngrén jingyi big brother."

She steps back from the railing and suddenly feels cold. She can't look at their faces. This is what I fought against for so long. Time to stop swimming. Time to go under.

She holds out her arms to her sides and lets herself fall backwards. The voices come quickly. Singing and accusing. Feels like I'm falling forever.

"River!" Simon screams at her, and she almost kicks her feet and swims back to land. But she can't, must swallow water. Salt on her tongue. There are mermaids.

She's dead before her head hits catwalk. And at the exact moment her head strikes metal Jayne passes out.

* * *

Translation Notes

Wan mêi - perfect, beautiful

Lìngrén jingyi - stunning, amazing


	6. Blood

Yes there is more. Lots!

And it does get darker.

I apologise for killing River. Least I surprised you!

* * *

Chapter 6: Blood

"Run!" Zoë comes hurtling through a door to Simon's left.

Simon numbly points a shaking finger up to the catwalk without a word.

Zoë swears and goes to check on Jayne. "What happened to him?"

"Passed out. Unknown cause. Probably just a non-cardiac syncope episode."

Zoë looks round at him with a look that says that she has no idea what he has just said. "We've got to go."

There's a sudden burst of gunfire from outside the door Zoë has just entered by, and Simon jumps.

Mal comes racing into the room, barely staying on his feet with his pace. The whole of his shirtfront is red with blood, and it continues to drip from his nose. He skids to a stop and spits a mouthful of blood onto the floor.

"River?"

"She's dead sir," Zoë gestures upwards.

Mal curses obscenely even for him. He looks to Jayne, swears again then nods to Zoë. "We go. Now."

"But River…" It's the first time Simon's spoken since Mal entered.

"No time. They're coming," Mal's voice cracks slightly and Zoë can hear the fear there.

Mal hauls Jayne up over his shoulder, staggers a little until he balances the new weight. He throws Vera to Zoë.

"Go!" He yells it so forcefully that Simon is shocked into moving. He goes a few metres then turns back.

"River."

"You want to die? We. Will. Die. Slowly. Probably more painfully than her if you don't gorram go!"

Simon swallows and his grip tightens on the pistol so hard that his knuckles go white, and he runs.

* * *

Kaylee is sat on her folding chair just far enough up the ramp to avoid the rain. She insisted Wash help her down here. Her head is still throbbing but she doesn't want to wait in the infirmary. On her lap sits a comm and Wash's stegosaurus. The rain outside has lessened slightly and there is a rainbow in the sky. But Kaylee's thoughts are far from rainbows.

Then she sees three shapes merge into view through the rain. Three? There's meant to be five. She thumbs on the comm.

"Wash!" There's no need to say anymore. In moments Wash, Inara and Book are there.

No there are four, not three, Mal is carrying Jayne. Where's River? No…Oh God no. They stumble up the ramp, soaking wet. Mal's face is dripping with blood. Kaylee pulls herself to her feet, and takes one look at Mal's eyes and she knows. They were too late. Oh no Simon. She moves to him without a word and puts her arms around him. He stands stiffly, his arms at his sides. His eyes are blank and he's starting to scare her.

Wash grabs hold of Zoë and holds her close to him, ignoring the wetness. "Zoë," he whispers in her ear.

Zoë clings to him tightly. She came back this time. River didn't.

Inara's composure fades completely and she grabs the stair rail for support. Her whole body is shaking.

Mal lays Jayne down on the deck. His head lolls to one side and Mal thinks that the mercenary is dead. Mal spits a mouthful of blood and turns away. He kicks one of the nearby crates, cracking it. She was just a girl. Mal had failed them.

Book starts to pray. "Dear Lord, protect the soul of River as she ascends to your Heavenly realm. Bless the souls of those who tried to help her. Bless us all."

There's a roaring sound in his ears. Like the sound when you press a seashell to your ear. Simon knows that that's the sound of the blood pounding through your head. Scientific fact. It's drowning out everything else around him. He knows that Kaylee has her arms around him, but he can't feel them. Maybe she's crying. He can't tell and right now he can't bring himself to care.

He should be checking on Jayne. But he can't make himself do it. He'll leave the man lying on the cargo bay floor before he'll help him.

He can hear Book praying, a far off echo. Amen. Like an empty cathedral. Where angels sing. River sang. River killed herself. With her own brain. She'd said that to Jayne that time. Just a macabre joke. I didn't believe it. But she said she waited for me to save her. Didn't kill herself at the Academy because she knew I'd come.

He doesn't recall when he pulled himself away from Kaylee and headed for the infirmary. River wanted to die. She did it with a smile. That smile flickered in front of his eyes. His baby sister wanted to die. Mei mei. River.

He turns on the tap and plunges his hands under the scalding water. There's so much blood. He scrubs at it with a small nailbrush. Why isn't it coming off? Why can't I get rid of this blood? Her blood. Always hers.

"Simon?" The voice is soft and gentle, and almost destroys him.

She gently pulls his hands out of the water.

"The blood…" he starts.

"There is no blood. Simon I'm so sorry."

Then Inara envelops him in her arms and rocks him against her.

* * *

Kaylee has sat on the floor against a wall tears running down her face. She doesn't know what to do. Book kneels beside Jayne's body and feels for his pulse.

"We have to go back," Book says infinitely calm.

"What?" Mal looks up, his face horrific with the blood.

"We have to collect River's body." Wash winces but Book continues. "How we treat our dead Captain…"

"…Is what makes us different, I know." Mal sighs. "We can't do anything tonight. We best tend to the wounded. Get him to the infirmary. We'd best get some sleep too." Mal feels like such a liar, he knows he won't sleep and he's pretty sure much of his crew will be awake until the early hours. He runs a hand under his bloody nose. It won't stop bleeding.

"Wash, Book take Jayne. I've got something to do first. Zoë."

Zoë nods back. She knows what has to be done.

"Kaylee, go with them. This isn't a place for you."

Kaylee scrambles to her feet and hurries from the room, after Book and Wash carrying Jayne between them slowly.

Mal grabs a comm.

"Bester. Cargo bay. Now."

* * *

Mal knows he shouldn't really have pistol whipped Bester, but it seemed a good idea at the time. Zoë doesn't even tut. He spits out a mouthful of blood. Mal hauls Bester back to his feet by his collar. "She's dead!"

"That ain't my fault. I didn't kill her!"

Mal's voice is low and dangerous. "Because you talked to a gorram fed a girl died."

"Hey! I didn't know! She was just a girl in a bar!"

Mal grits his teeth and forces his words out past them. "Get off my boat. Now!" Mal shoves Bester away from his and spits more blood.

Bester knows better than to argue. Maybe Chac isn't so bad. There will be other ships. And Reynolds will still owe me.


	7. Amen

I saw the movie last night so trying not to let that change the story. Too traumatic!

Hell I'm just glad people are reading let alone have me on alerts! Thank you to all.

Here's chapter 7 for you all to enjoy. Its pretty heart-wrenching so I'll apologise now.

* * *

Chapter 7: Amen

Jayne opens his eyes suddenly. The singing still echoing in his ears. He blinks at the white ceiling. Where is he? He blinks again and the room slowly comes into focus. The infirmary. On Serenity. Then he becomes aware of someone gripping his hand. He tracks his eyes to the girl at his side.

"Returning the favour?" he nods to her hand on his.

She looks up and smiles weakly at him. "Yeah. How do you feel?"

He notices her eyes are puffy, red rimmed. "How's your head?" He tries to sit up.

"Jayne, I don't think you should…"

"I'm fine." He sits up and ignores the spinning in his head. "Where's the doc? What happened? All I remember is that ruttin' factory. Where's River?" His eyes scan the other bunk. Then he catches sight of Kaylee's stricken face. "What?"

"River is…River is dead." A tear runs down her cheek. "Simon never came near you. Zoë and Book did what they could. You were just unconscious. I stayed. You've been out all night. The others went back…to get River's…" Kaylee swallows and can't say the word.

Jayne grabs hold of her arms for support and stares at her. He can still hear River's voice in his ears. She can't be dead. She can't. Her red tin soldier she'd called him. She was waiting for me to kiss her. He remembers thinking about doing it and then killing them all. Why hadn't he? What had happened to him? I don't just pass out. I failed her. Her eyes, dark and luminescent, flash in front of his own. Jayne buries his face into his hands and howls.

* * *

"They took the body," Simon's voice is barely a whisper.

Wash has been waiting outside with the mule while Mal, Zoë and Simon went back in. Zoë takes one look at him and he looks like he might cry. Mal starts swearing a blue streak. There had been nothing but the smell of blood, and bodies of federal marshals.

"We've got to leave," Mal says.

It's started to rain again. Torrential now, straight down rain that stings the skin and soaks you through. It's rained every day since they landed on this rock and now Wash knows why.

"River!" Simon screams hysterically at the empty building. "RIVER!"

Mal turns and punches Simon squarely in the face. Simon goes down like a lead weight, landing heavily in the mud. He makes no attempt to get up, but just lies there sobbing. His fancy clothes ruined by the rain and mud.

Wash turns away. She was just a girl. He feels tears in his eyes and they run down his face to mix with the rain. He starts walking, not really heading anywhere.

"She was just a girl," he whispers to himself.

Wash stares up at the leaden pewter grey sky and silently asks God to help them all.

* * *

They hold a service for River in the cargo bay. Book leads it. Everyone has subconsciously made an effort.

Zoë has shined her boots. Inara wears a white veil over her hair. Wash is wearing the Hawaiian shirt festooned with orange leaves, which River had told him made him 'shine like the sun'. Jayne is wearing his best striped shirt.

Mal has on the waistcoat from the ball on Persephone. Somehow Inara had got all the blood out. He'd asked Inara four times if it was alright. She had assured him that River would have liked it. Mal keeps rubbing at his nose. Its still bothering him.

Kaylee has on her flowery dress, and the lump is still visible on the back of her head.

Simon stands stiffly wearing his black three-piece suit. His eyes are focused on nothing in particular. Kaylee slides her hand into his. His skin is like ice.

"She was just a girl," Simon whispers brokenly. His chest hurts. Maybe I'm having a heart attack. "She didn't…deserve…"

Book starts the service. "River Tam was a girl on a journey. Albeit not one of her choosing. But in that journey she touched all of us who knew her. Here on Serenity she found a family, just like her brother has. And we loved her like a family should. May our thoughts be with Simon for his tragic loss. The Lord works in mysterious ways my son."

Simon's knees buckle and he hits the floor with a thud. Kaylee lets out a small yelp, and kneels behind him. Tears are streaming down his face, and his breathing is too fast, too shallow, to be healthy.

Book presses onwards. He can't drag this out. He won't prolong the boy's agony. "We commend her spirit to the Lord. May River Tam feel the peace in the next life that she could not find in this one. May her soul be free from all evil. Let her dance forever in the Kingdom of Heaven. May we that are left not grieve for her, but give thanks that she may walk in God's grace forevermore. Amen."

"Amen," the others mumble solemnly, except Mal, who remains tight lipped, and Simon.

Jayne balls his fists and forces his face into blank neutrality. They can't know she got to him. She can't be dead. What if I'd…that night…would it…? I could have kissed her, found a way up there and kissed her. She wanted me to. What did she call me? Her red tin soldier. Jayne stares at the floor and feels his eyes sting. He blinks hard. Just a rutting girl. A rutting girl and her red tin soldier.

Zoë looks at the weeping Simon and swears to herself that her children will never suffer as he and River have.

"Would you like to say a few words Captain?" Book knows Simon is in no fit state.

"Err," Mal looks up. "River you didn't deserve this. I'm ruttin' sorry we couldn't save you. Just a girl in the wrong ruttin' verse." He turns and leaves the cargo bay. "Amen," he says silently to himself.

Inara dabs at her eyes with a silken handkerchief. She looks round at the rest of the crew. Somehow this young damaged girl has wormed her way into them, and her death has broken them all.

* * *

Simon doesn't sit round the table and drink Kaylee's engine hooch until the room is blurry. Book declines the wine but sits with them swapping stories.

"When she rubbed soup into Mal's hair I thought I would die…" Wash slurs drunkenly.

Mal tries to glare at his pilot but it doesn't really work.

"Remember the incident with the spanner and the sealant on Simon's door?" Zoë says laughing.

"Fighting over apples," Kaylee mumbles looking at her wine.

Inara pushes Kaylee's hair back behind her ear. "She used to like getting her hair brushed, just like you."

"She was just a girl," Wash says sadly.

Jayne's hand connecting with the table makes them all jump. "She wasn't just a girl!" He bellows. "You all know she was more!"

He roughly shoves his chair back and stomps from the room, leaving shocked silence behind him.


	8. Long Night

I feel horrible now since everyone is hoping this will get better...and I know different...for the moment at least.

* * *

Chapter 8: Long Night

Mal walks into Inara's shuttle without knocking as usual. Inara is brushing her hair at the mirror. She turns to face him.

"Hello Captain." No rebuke about barging in, no smart quip.

She has sad eyes, he thinks to himself.

He sits down on the sofa and fidgets. He's never comfortable here. Inara just waits.

"It was my fault."

"No Mal…"

He continues to talk over her. "Should never have brought them here. Knew he was trouble the moment I set eyes on him. Should have refused him passage…"

"Then he would have got snatched on Persephone or sold out by another crew."

Mal sighs. "I know."

"You did the right thing Mal," Inara lays down her brush on the dressing table. "You kept them alive…"

"No. I didn't. She's dead."

Inara winces and moves to his side in a rustle of silk. "There was nothing you could have done Mal. You tried…"

"Not hard enough. Shouldn't have punched him either."

Inara interrupts, "You punched Simon?"

Mal shifts guiltily. "Yeah. Not the best idea I'll admit. But I was so…" he gestures uselessly with his hands. "Seemed the quickest way to shut him up. Screaming like a moon brain outside a fed station." He sighs again. "But the bastards took her body. What sort of people do that?" Mal rubs his eyes. "There's wrong and there's wrong and there's this," his voice is breaking.

Inara takes his hand gently. She is sure he is shaking.

"Wish I'd left them on Whitefall," he mutters. "Wish they'd been strangers." He pulls his hand from hers and runs them violently through his hair. "Wish she'd been just another girl. Then I wouldn't…wouldn't…"

"Have cared?"

Mal looks up at her. "Yes."

"You're hurting Mal. It's ok to grieve. You don't have to hide everything Mal…"

He stands and the mask drops again. "Yes I do. If I crack then we fall apart. If I can't keep this crew together who will?"

* * *

Wash stares out of the window at the stars he normally loves so much and feels strangely empty. Twenty-three hours. Yet as clear as day he can see Simon's face when they walked out of that factory, and the bile still rises in his throat. He swallows. He knows that she is coming before her hands steal round his shoulders. Wash spins the chair slowly and pulls her onto his lap. He rests his forehead against hers and they say nothing for a long time. Zoë sees her husband mourning a girl they hardly knew. And she hates the fact that they weren't fast enough to save her, and save everyone this pain. 

"She was so young…" she finally says breaking the silence.

Wash nods and squeezes her hand.

"If we'd just been quicker…" Zoë starts.

"Wouldn't have made a gorram difference," Mal strides into the bridge, looking dishevelled. His hair is sticking up at all angles. "I brought them to that rock. I brought Bester here to sell them out." He leans heavily against a locker.

Zoë catches his eye and knows exactly what he is thinking. My fault. Our fault. We got her killed.

Mal stares at the stars and thinks to himself, I shouldn't care. I can't care.

The three of them stay gazing out of the window at the stars in silence, lost to each other.

* * *

She was just a girl. Just a girl like me. Kaylee blinks away the tears from her eyes and takes a swig of coffee. It's the middle of the night, and she can't sleep. Just a girl. If I'd been born rich that could have been me. 

Kaylee cradles her mug between her hands. River is dead. Why couldn't they have just left her alone?

Kaylee sips her coffee again. She's brewed it strong enough to strip paint. She knows she won't sleep tonight. Part of her is telling her to go to find Simon. It's obvious he hasn't been sleeping either. They touch down on Persephone in eight hours. River has been dead for twenty-seven. But she's not sure if Simon would even open his door. She saw them when they came back, saw all of them. Wash looking like he'd been crying. His eyes were all red. Mal and Zoë were practically carrying Simon between them, his arms round their shoulders. Zoë didn't say a word; she wouldn't meet anyone's eyes. Mal had looked at Book and shaken his head. His jaw clenched so tightly that Kaylee could see every tiny muscle. And Simon…Simon was just…broken. He was covered in mud, soaking wet and shivering violently all over. He didn't look like he knew where he was. Kaylee shudders at the memory, takes another swig of coffee and stares at the tabletop. She was just a girl like me.

* * *

Simon, clad only in a pair of grey pyjama trousers, continues to do slow push ups on his floor. Bend elbows, slowly down, breathe out, breathe in, slowly push up, repeat. He does this until his biceps start to burn. He barely pauses, and rolls onto his back, and starts a set of sit-ups. Can't think. Just concentrate on breathing. Muscles need oxygen or I'll get stitch. Breathe in breathe out. His stomach muscles begin to ache. Simon presses on with another set. Breath in breathe out. If he stops the sit-ups then he might stop breathing. Numb. One name and its like all the air has been sucked out of the room. Dizziness. Like altitude sickness. It makes him feel like the first time he walked in the Black. Just nothing. Simon collapses back on the floor, his abs screaming. He lies and stares at the ceiling and struggles to breathe for a few moments. His cheek is still purpled from Mal's punch. He forces himself to continue. He won't sleep tonight. And he can feel this at least.

* * *

"Red tin soldier." 

It's the merest whisper but it makes Jayne's eyes flick round the cargo bay. He sets the weight bar back on its stand and sits up. The cargo bay is dark and empty. There's no sound except the soft thrum of the engines. Jayne is sure no one but Wash is still awake.

"He thinks it's just a game."

Jayne whips his head round to locate the sound. Maybe he just needs to sleep. Maybe he hit his head when he passed out. Maybe Zoë and Book missed something. Gorram doc sure as hell didn't check. He stands up and heads for the dining room, maybe a glass of water will help.

He finds Kaylee cradling a cup of coffee. She smiles ruefully up at him. "Join me?"

Jayne pours himself a cup and sits opposite her.

"Did she say anything? To Simon? Like a goodbye?" Kaylee asks hesitantly.

"Not out loud. She whispered her crazy talk in my head. Figure she did the same to him. Then I passed out. Don't remember."

"Don't let me down Jayne, don't let him drown," comes the girlish whisper in his ear again.


	9. Just a Game

Chapter 9 for you all! Hope you enjoy.

* * *

Chapter 9: Just a Game

Inara invited Simon to her shuttle for tea. She knows social niceties aren't what he needs right now but maybe. He enters after a soft knock, and Inara sits him on a sumptuously cushioned sofa and pours him tea.

"How are you?" she asks him gently.

Simon stares at the teacup in his hands. He sets it down on a low table before the ripples on its surface betray his shaking hands.

"I'm…better, thank you."

Inara can tell he's hiding behind his Osiris-bred front, but she'll play along for now. She can always read people. And Simon is easy to read. He may be pretending to be ok but he's far from it. Only Inara seems to be noticing the redness around his eyes, the vaguest rasp of dark stubble on his chin. He's wearing a grey jumper and he keeps fiddling with the sleeves; pulling the cuffs over his hands, then pushing them back up and repeating it all. Like a child hiding their hands. She catches a glimpse of his inner arm and tries to tell herself she didn't just see what she thinks.

"River was very dear to us all," Inara sets her own teacup down. "So don't dishonour her memory by lying now Simon. Talk to me. You're not better." She seizes his wrist and pushes his sleeve back. "What's this?"

"Just vitamin injections," the words slide easily off his tongue. "I'm not sleeping well so I…and after all that rain I don't want to get sick. Just a pick me up." He tugs the sleeve back down.

Inara isn't sure about what he's just said, but doesn't question him further. "You can still talk to me. Kaylee is crazy because you aren't talking to her."

"If I'm confessing surely I'm in the wrong room." He raises the ghost of a smile from Inara.

He stares at his hands. "Its just…I did everything to free her. Broken or not she was my sister. I gave up everything. I'd give up everything for her. When those hill folk kidnapped us, they wanted to burn her as a witch. I got up on the pyre, told them to light it. I meant it." His words come tumbling out. "I wanted to burn with her. Because if she was dead…and I…" He swallows. "I didn't get to say goodbye." A single tear tracks down his cheek, then he bites the inside of his mouth to stop anymore. He bows his head quickly and wipes it away. When he looks up again he is clear eyed. "Thank you for the tea." He stands and leaves the shuttle. The teacup mostly full on the table. Inara stares sadly after him. In his eyes the sun has already begun to set.

* * *

He lines up the bottles on the work surface. First by size, then moves them by colour, use by date. He hunches on the stool and leans an elbow on the work surface. He stares at the bottles until his eyes blur.

The pill and medicine bottles scrap across the surface.

"Eeeny meeny miney mo," Simon murmurs to himself, "catch a reaver by its toe, if he bites you let him go, eeeny meeny miney mo."

He moves the bottles into a square shape. Like chess. Just a game. He rotates the bottles so all the labels point towards him. Separates them into two groups. The general medication and River's. Just a game. He pushes half away and stares at the medicine hard. Dioexiotimal. Aspirin. Biatizine. He opens a bottle and draws a trail of pills across the work surface. Counts them. Changes the pattern into a six by six grid. Splits it into two. Eighteen. Pushes half back into the bottle. Splits it again. Nine, adds one and puts the remaining eight away. He stares at the ten tiny white pills of the worktop. Just a game.

"Doc?"

Simon palms the lot and stands, turning to face Mal.

"Yes?"

"Just thought you might like to know chows in ten."

Simon nods, trying not to crush the pills in his hand. Mal stands there for a moment, eying the bottles. Simon jumps in with his explanation. "I needed to find some sleeping tablets. I…uh…couldn't remember where I put them. It's been hard…"

Mal nods. "I understand."

No you don't, Simon wants to scream at his departing back. How could you? Instead he shoves the pills into his pocket and tidies the bottles away. Just a game.

* * *

Mal wakes up and chokes. He scrambles out of his bunk and goes to the sink. He spits a dark globule of blood out into the sink. He wipes his hand across his face and it comes away red. It's his nose. It really shouldn't still be bleeding. He stares at the small puddle of blood in his palm, and feels a small shudder of fright go down his spine. He's had nosebleeds before, been hit in the face plenty of times, and its never taken this long to heal.

He thinks about going to wake Simon, but Mal knows he hasn't been sleeping that much and the way things have been lately, he may well refuse to even look at him. Mal rinses the blood down the plughole and grabs a pair of trousers.

Inara opens the door looking bewildered. "Yes Mal?"

He takes the hand away from his nose. She takes one look at the blood and ushers him inside. She makes him sit on the sofa while she fusses about finding a cloth. The velvet cushion behind him is tickling his naked back.

She thrusts a cloth into his hand. "Hold that to your nose," she tells him.

Mal obediently holds it up against his nostrils and tries not to lean back too much; he doesn't want the blood running down his throat.

"I'm getting the doctor Mal," Inara says firmly heading for the door.

Mal mumbles behind the cloth, "I don't think…" but she has already gone.

Simon wakes up confused at the soft hands shaking his shoulder. He pushes himself up on his elbows and blinks blearily. "What the…?"

A soft finger presses itself against his lips. "Ssshh Simon, its Inara. The captain needs your help."

"Get my bag," he instructs her, as he gets up. He finally notices the wisp of satin nightdress she's wearing, or not wearing, and averts his eyes, a blush climbing his cheeks. He grabs a jumper and pulls it over his head.

Inara hands him the bag. "My shuttle," she says.

Mal is lying back against the cushions when Inara and Simon return. Simon says nothing about why the captain is half naked in her shuttle in the middle of the night. Inara carefully takes the blood soaked cloth and stands back to let Simon work. She notices that Mal's face is paler than normal, the blood bright against his ashen skin. He looks like he's been in a bar brawl. Simon carefully shines a small torch into Mal's nose.

Mal flits his eyes between her and Simon, and mumbles, "What is it doc?"

"Not sure." Simon pulls out a bottle from his bag, and fills a syringe.

"Why does that not fill me with confidence?" Mal mumbles again. He jerks when the needle goes into his arm. "Ow!"

"Sorry, missed the vein," Simon says apologetically and tries again.

Mal notices that his hands are shaking. Simon's hands never shake when he does his doctoring. Just like Jayne or Zoë's hands don't shake when they shoot or Kaylee's hands don't shake when she's fixing Serenity. Mal tenses as the needle slips in again, but Simon calmly injects the solution into his vein.

"What is that?" Inara asks as Simon withdraws the needle.

"If should make his blood coagulate quicker to stop the bleed out…"

"Should?" Mal sits up suddenly.

Inara pushes him down with one hand as Simon answers. "Well since we don't know for sure what caused this I can't say if this will help you." He digs into his bag again and pulls out a small pill bottle. It rattles in his shaking hand as he hands it to Mal. "Iron supplements. Take two of these a day. If this happens again, tell me. Goodnight." Simon picks up his bag and leaves the shuttle.

"Goodnight Simon," Inara calls softly after him.


	10. Why Won't You Leave?

Here's chapter 10 for you all to enjoy and review.

This story is sucking my soul and breaking my heart to write.

* * *

Chapter 10: Why Won't You Leave?

Jayne sets the weight bar back on its stand, grabs a towel and wipes the sweat from his face; He sits up, his legs straddling the weight bench. He knows she's there.

"Come out girl," he calls.

She pokes her head over the railing. "I'm not here."

He rubs a bead of sweat off the back of his neck as she walks down the stairs like she's floating. She reaches the bottom and stops her hands folded primly in front of her. "I'm not here," she repeats.

"Sure," Jayne drops the towel on the bench, stands and grabs his orange knitted hat, which he jams on his head.

She's wearing Mal's brown coat, and Jayne wonders what he'll say when he catches her. It swamps her tiny frame. She starts doing pirouettes, the coat whipping around her. She spins faster and faster until Jayne starts to feel a little dizzy.

"Stop it," he snaps at her.

River stops twirling and starts to dance around the cargo bay. Ballet like. Her hair lashes around her face. Jayne can't pull his eyes away from her, from every pointed toe and every curved arm. He knows when she stops dancing she will die and that scares him. He wills her to keep dancing. She stops dead in front of him, her chest heaving with exertion. Jayne sucks in his breath in fear.

"Do it Jayne," she says softly licking her pink lips.

"What?" he frowns.

"Do it for me red tin soldier." She holds her hands up to him, and the cupped palms are full of water. "Drink," she orders him and forces her hands to his mouth, pouring the water down his throat. He chokes and splutters, and yanks himself away.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Kwan yin! Look." She points to a shape in a dark corner of the cargo bay.

Jayne looks at it and his eyes go wide. It's Simon. Lying on his front, head turned to one side, eyes open and blank. His lips are slightly blue. There's a puddle of water around his nose and mouth.

"Did you kill him?"

"No. Yes. Maybe." Her eyes bore into his until he falters and looks away. "He drowned. But you can stop it…"

Jayne jerks awake and stares at the ceiling, her voice echoing in his ears. He lies there breathing hard and it is a long time before he sleeps again.

* * *

"Doc! You dropped you…your…" Jayne squints at the label of the plastic pill bottle in his hand that he's just picked up off the floor. "Dio…Dioex…how do you pronounce this crap?"

Simon snatches the bottle back out of Jayne's hand roughly.

"Dioexiotimal," he says irritably.

"Meaning?" Jayne has been told to play nice, but he's not sure how much of this new attitude he can take from Simon.

"I've got a headache," Simon growls softly, before turning on his heel and leaving the dining room.

Jayne flashes his back a vicious glare and goes back to polishing Vera at the dining table.

* * *

Book enters the infirmary slowly so as not to startle Simon. The young doctor is putting a selection of syringes back into a drawer, but he's shoving them in haphazardly, in a hurry. He turns quickly.

"Can I help you?" His voice is professional, a doctor's.

Book moves further into the room. "I just came to see how you are."

Simon sighs softly. "I wish people would stop asking how I am."

"Its because they care about you."

Simon leans against the worktop and shoves his hands into his pockets. "I'm fine," he insists.

Book lays a hand on his shoulder. "Take faith son that your sister is watching over you from Heaven."

Simon fixes him with a steady look. "I don't believe in God preacher. My sister is dead. She's not in Heaven. Her body is lying in some government lab somewhere."

Book feels a shudder run down his back. Simon's voice is so hollow, so empty, so clinically detached that it hardly sounds like him at all.

Simon shrugs Book's hand away. "If you're finished I've got work to be done."

"Of course." Book nods and leaves the infirmary.

Through the windows he sees Simon bow his head and he's sure that there is a glint of tears splashing onto the work surface. He's prayed hard for the soul of River Tam, maybe its her brother who needs praying for.

* * *

"Wheredoyagowhenyoudie?"

"What?" Book looks up from his bible at Jayne's strung together sentence.

"Where do you go when you're dead?" Jayne asks again pausing in his food preparation.

Book lays his bible down on the table and steeples his fingers. "Well that depends. Most people go to Heaven." He sees Jayne's sceptical look. "God is very forgiving."

"So when you're dead you're just gone? You don't hang about or nothing'?"

"Well some people believe in ghosts. Usually it's said to be a restless spirit with unfinished business…"

"So they don't…talk to you?"

"When you die your soul belongs to God. It would be for a very special reason that someone would pass up the chance to walk at his side in the Kingdom of Heaven and remain in limbo. Why do you ask?"

Jayne shifts uneasily. "River…she…she talked to me."

"Before she…"

"No, after." Jayne swallows and knows he sounds as crazy as she was. "I hear her whispering in my head."

"Jayne you realise that it is highly unlikely that she's talking to you. You did hit your head. Maybe you need more sleep…"

"But…she talks to me. Tells me things. I think I'm going crazy"

"Its natural to grieve and feel confused when someone you care about dies…"

"Care about? I don't ruttin'…" Jayne trails off knowing that somehow the Shepard is right. "She's just a girl…"

Book looks at him. "If River is talking to you then there is a reason. God has a plan for everyone Jayne."

"Then what's his plan for me?" Jayne mutters under his breath to himself as he goes back to his food.

* * *

Kaylee finds Simon fast asleep in the common area at about midnight. She's been fixing a leaking pipe in the atmo-system so has missed dinner. He is sprawled across two seats, his feet up, one arm dangling and his head hanging just slightly off the edge. She smiles to herself. He looks peaceful. He needs all the peace he can get at the moment. She leaves the room and returns a minute later carrying a blanket. She lays it over Simon and tucks it in around him, carefully so as not to wake him. As she gently moves his arm to tuck it under the blanket he mumbles something. She freezes, her hand still holding his arm sure she has woken him. But he mumbles again and she knows he's not awake.

"River…" A flash of pain cuts across his face.

Kaylee feels like her heart is breaking for him. The pain in that one word is so raw. She wonders what he is dreaming and wishes she could stop it.

"Oh baby," she whispers softly, tucks his arm under the blanket and smoothes it over him.

Simon soothes a little at her touch and lies still again. Kaylee sits back and watches him sleep. She thinks about the last time she saw him asleep, in someone else's bed. She never spoke to him about that, she'd meant to, but…how can she now? It seems so petty. Simon is mature enough not to hold a grudge. He'll forgive her without a formal apology, she knows he will. She silently stands and leaves the room, her stomach forgotten. Let him sleep. He needs his peace.

* * *

River leans over him. "Wake up my swan prince."

Jayne opens his eyes and she skips back a couple of paces. "I ain't no swan."

She's standing on a black square. He sits up groggily; he's sitting in a large white square. Where the hell is he? There are hundreds of squares, all black and white stretching away into the distance.

"Just a game," she calls sweetly. "Male swan. Cob. Jayne Cobb."

Jayne growls under his breath and stands up.

"Are you playing the game Jayne? King and Queen. One step sideways and two forwards." She smiles again. "The dam broke. You all got swept away. But he'd drowning."

"Tell me it straight," he growls at her. "I ain't got time for a mind-fuck girl."

"Not a girl anymore. I'm dead."

His blood runs to ice in his veins.

She smiles at the expression on his face. "Its alright. I flew away. They trod water. You swallowed some. He's going to go under."

"Simon?"

She nods, a pained expression on her face. "She can't help him right."

"I'm sorry." The words stick in his throat. "I wasn't quick enough. Even you didn't deserve…" Jayne steps forwards into her square.

"Tin soldiers don't move that way. You're not playing by the rules…"

"Never do…" he leans into kiss her, and wakes up alone in his bunk.

He lies on his back for a long time staring very hard at the pictures of naked women stuck to his wall, but he can't shake the image of the crazy girl from his mind. She's _just_ a girl. He rolls over and pulls open the curtain that covers his weapons.

From the centre of the display he selects a small slim black pistol. He grabs his sharpest knife and with the tip of the blade carves the words 'River Tam' round the base of the handle.

"I name you River," he says solemnly to the gun.


	11. Dinosaurs For All

Here's a nice long chapter. PLEASE read and review. Ignore the happy title, its all very depressing and I know some people are going to hate me...

P.S If anyone wants to set me a challenge (not related to this story then feel free to e-mail it to me and I'll try!)

* * *

Chapter 11: Dinosaurs For All

Wash smells her perfume before he hears her. "Don't worry we'll be on Persephone in a little under six hours. You'll be in perfect time for any appointments you've made."

Inara pulls a face as Wash lazily swivels the chair with a yawn.

"I'm not worried about that."

He gives her a quizzical look and then realises what she means. "How are they?"

"To be honest I don't know. Simon is avoiding everyone. Kaylee is alternating between mother henning Simon, and being horrible upset. Mal is guilty and injured. Jayne is…" she shrugs, "Jayne."

Wash nods and bites his lip. "How you doing?"

"Me?" Inara looks surprised at being asked.

"Yeah," Wash tosses her a t-rex, and she turns it over and over in her hands. Running perfectly manicured fingernails up its spine.

"I'm alright…" she stops. "No I'm not. I don't know what those tyen-sah duh uh-muo did to Mal. He could bleed to death and all we'd do is watch. Simon is cracking. I can't reassure Kaylee. I'm sure even Jayne is going off the rails." She blinks hard in an attempt to stop the tears coming.

Wash is on his feet in moments, and puts his arms around the Companion. "Ssshhh," he soothes rubbing her back. "Its always ok."

Zoë chooses that moment to come to the bridge. Wash waves her frown away over Inara's shoulder. Her husband's soothing technique of 'Dinosaurs for all!' was…interesting.

* * *

Jayne tightens his fingers around River. He can see him in the corridor ahead of him just about to enter his room.

"Tam," he says, his voice barely loud enough to carry.

Simon looks round, his eyes a little glazed over. "What?"

"You know I thought it was your sister who caused all the problems on this boat," he advances on Simon. "But it ain't. Its you. You brought this trouble down on us."

"Leave. Me. Alone," Simon says firmly.

Jayne points the pistol at him. "No."

"What?" Simon stares at him evenly.

"I'm sorting out the problem." Jayne gestures to his own temple with the gun. "You see I got this girl talking in my head at all hours, and it's beginning to give me a headache."

Simon's mouth is open in confusion. "You what?"

"River is talking to me."

Simon starts nervously, Jayne never calls River by name. "Jien tah-duh guay! My sister isn't talking to you. She's dead."

"Yeah she's stone cold. That's the predicament I'm in. She's talking in my brain, and most of its about you. And I'm failing to see why I should be concerned. I want her out. I want her to stop."

"Why should I care?" Simon's voice has a bitter edge to it. "River isn't talking to you. You hit your head, you're delusional. Why would she talk to you?"

"You don't wanna know what she says?"

"No! I don't want to share your delusions!"

Jayne presses on regardless of his comment. "She's got some big idea that you're going crazier than she was."

Simon turns away and opens his door. "You don't know what you're talking about," he says, his voice low and dark.

"Don't I?" Jayne's slow ironic smile disturbs Simon for some reason. "You think I ain't buried people? I have. You're not the only one hurting boy." He aims the pistol back at Simon. "You see, I worked it out; how to get rid of her, how to stop her talking," there is a loaded pause. "Its to get rid of you."

The cocking of the pistol is loud and ominous in the enclosed corridor.

Simon turns back to Jayne, and steps forward slowly and deliberately so that the muzzle of the pistol is pressed against the centre of his chest.

"Do it then." His voice is steady. No wavering, no fear, no emotion.

Jayne stares at the younger man in shock, his finger resting on the trigger. He hadn't expected this.

"Do it!" Simon's voice is sharp and insistent. "You hwoon dahn!"

"Do you want to die boy?" Jayne snaps angrily.

"Don't do it Jayne," the sweet girlish voice murmurs softly in his head.

Jayne flinches and moves to pull back the gun. Simon grabs the muzzle and holds it in place against his heart. "You heard me you nuòfu! Pull the trigger! Rutting shoot me. I don't care."

Something in Simon's eyes scares him. Jayne's looked into the darkness and he knows when it's staring back at him. He twists the gun brusquely out of Simon's hand.

"Good tin soldier," she says softly. He knows she's smiling.

Jayne turns on his heel and walks away silently.

Simon's voice rings mockingly after him. "Knew you couldn't do it. Coward. Couldn't save her could you."

Jayne keeps walking, River held tightly in his hand.

* * *

Simon pops the last three pills out of the plastic blister pack and dry swallows them trying not to gag. He settles himself back on his bunk and leans the wall trying to ignore the gnawing pain in his stomach. That confrontation with Jayne hadn't helped him. River wouldn't talk to Jayne and ignore him. She wouldn't be that cruel. He picks up a pen and paper and tries to write. His hand is shaking. He lays down the pen and balls his fist trying to stop the tremble. It's not working. Simon leans his head back against the wall and feels tears run down his face. I can't do this. Do I really want to die? Simon doesn't even know the answer. He needs someone to just hold him, tell him it's going to be okay; like his mother used to do when he was small. The gnawing ache intensifies. The pills aren't working. He fishes in his medical bag and finds what he needs. He rolls up his shirtsleeve as easily as if he was going to wash his hands for dinner, and grabs a belt. He doesn't look, doesn't need to; he can find any vein in the human body blindfolded. He only catches a glimpse of his arm, the belt, and the needle tracks, and his stomach turns a little. Simon looks away and pushes the plunger of the syringe down. He knows this isn't right. But he needs this. Then I can function like a man. But I'm not. I'm a hollow shell who looks like a doctor. I'm sick of hurting, sick of missing her, sick of trying to keep it together. I'm hearing her voice and she's not even talking to me. She's talking to that ape and I hate it. I want it over with, all of it. He blinks back more tears and picks up his pen. It's a letter he has to write, however hard it is. They deserve to know.

_'Dear mother and father, I thought I had better write to tell you that River is dead. How and why doesn't matter. But she was happy, we were happy. We had friends out here in the Black. There's even a girl. Maybe. I know you would be appalled by her, and of that I am truly glad. I won't be coming back. I know I threw away everything that you thought was important and it was worth it. She was worth everything. I'm sorry I let you down. Wo ai ni. Your son, Simon._'

He'll dump the letter in the first postal station he sees on Persephone in secret – Mal will have a fit if he knows he is writing to his parents – and he won't think on it again. The pain has subsided now and Simon thinks that maybe he'll be alright.

* * *

Kaylee was worried. Simon had eaten exactly two mouthfuls of breakfast before making some excuse and leaving the room. He looked paler than ever before and he was jumpy. Even Jayne closing a locker a little harder than usual spooked him. Jayne wouldn't even look at him. Kaylee wondered what was happening.

She opens Simon's door uninvited. "Hey Simon," she says trying to sound upbeat.

He looks up from the medical text he's reading and just stares at her.

"So…" she tries to think of conversation. "We'll be on Persephone soon, bout ten minutes until docking Wash says."

"Okay."

Kaylee can't keep the charade any longer. "Simon are you alright?"

He gives her a withering look. "I'm fine."

"You don't look it."

"How would you know?" he snaps, slamming the data reader down.

"Because I care about you…"

"Yeah, you really care." He laughs bitterly. "You really cared when you were screwing around with Bester. Tāmāde húndàn got River killed and you batted your eyelashes to invite back onto the ship and into your bunk."

"That ain't fair…"

"You're a hypocritical little bitch. You get mad at me when you're off having your little tryst in a hotel room with the captain. Yes Bester told me all about it," he says, taking an almost perverse pleasure at her shocked expression. "Now if you're completely finished I have things to need to go out and do."

"You can't go off ship. Mal said…" she's almost too shocked to be mad.

"Oh 'Mal said'," he mocks. "That makes it all alright."

He stands up and Kaylee grabs his arm, "Its dangerous Simon…"

"I'm a big boy. I can survive. Leave me alone." They all think he's naïve and unworldly. He knows exactly where he needs to go to get what he wants. He thinks about the wadge of cash burning a hole in his pocket. More than enough,

"No! Talk to me."

"Don't want to talk," he says sullenly, shaking her hand off roughly.

"But I saw you go to Inara's shuttle…"

"Maybe we weren't talking," he leers.

"That ain't true…" Kaylee's voice sounds like it's on the verge of cracking.

Simon shrugs. "Why not?"

"Because…because we…" she stutters.

"Because we what? You thought we had something?" He laughs and the sound cuts Kaylee to the core. "We didn't have anything. You're just a greasy uncultured farm girl mechanic. A mechanic of a luh suh criminal junker. What ever have you the idea that _I_ could ever love _you_?"

Kaylee slaps him round the face so hard that the handprint reddens instantly. He stares he down.

"Let. Me. Past." His tone leaves no room for argument.

Kaylee presses herself against the doorframe as he shoves past, and lets him go. Hot angry tears streaming down her cheeks.

Wash finds her sat on the stairs.

"Kaylee?"

She looks up teary eyed.

"What happened?"

"Simon…he was so mean. He said…" she hiccups, "Serenity was a luh suh junker. And that I…I was just a…a greasy uncultured farm girl mechanic…and that he could never love me…" she dissolves into fresh tears.

"Where is he?" Wash demands, looking angry.

"He left." She rubs her face with her hand.

Wash sits next to her on the step and puts his arm around her. "Serenity ain't luh suh. She's shiny. We know that. Simon knows that. He's just…upset…" Wash doesn't voice what he's really thinking about the doctor right now.

"He ain't never been mean before."

"I know. He's a fool Kaylee. You're not 'just a mechanic'. You're," Wash swallows hesitantly, "well, you're amazing. You keep us flying when no one else could. And don't let my wife hear this," he grins, "but you're the prettiest thing on this boat."

He pulls her close and kisses the side of her head. She sniffles and Wash turns her face to his gently. "Don't cry pretty little Kaylee." He wipes away her tears with his thumb, then leans in and kisses her on the cheek. "If you want you can bring Steggy to play with my other dinos."

"Okay," she smiles.

Wash decides he will make sure Simon doesn't make Kaylee lose her smile again, one way or another.

* * *

The room is dark and dingy, and off some back alley he would never normally venture down. But now…now he doesn't mind the dirt or the smell. Hardly even notices. He knew where he had to come. Men hover round the edges of the room, smoking and talking. Simon ignores them. He isn't here for them. He has money and they're willing to sell him what he wants, needs…

Simon hisses through his teeth and tenses as the needle goes into his arm. But he doesn't stop the man with the dirty needle. This is what he has to do. For her.

* * *

Translation Notes

Tyen-sah duh uh-muo. - Goddamn monsters.

Jien tah-duh guay! - Like hell!

Nuòfu – coward

Wo ai ni – I love you

Tāmāde húndàn - fucking bastard

Luh suh - crap


	12. Time Comes

Here you are, enjoy the angsty-ness (is that a word?) of chapter 12. Please read and review because I love seeing your opinions.

This song kind of sums up this chapter more than anything so here it is.

Caught By The River - Doves 

_Son what have you done?  
You're caught by the river  
you're coming undone  
life you know it can't be so easy  
but you can't just leave it  
'cause you're not in control anymore  
and you give it all away  
would you give it all away now?  
Don't let it come apart  
don't want to see you come apart  
son what are you doing?  
You learned a hard lesson  
when you stood by the water  
you and I were so full of love and hope  
would you give it all up now?  
Would you give in just to spite them all?  
And you give it all away  
would you give it all away now?  
don't let it come apart  
don't want to see you come apart  
cause you give it all away  
and you give it all away now  
don't let it come apart  
don't want to see you come apart  
lay I lay in the long grass  
so many people  
so many people pass  
stay stay here and lie on back  
get down in the cornfields  
stay till we're caught at last  
give it all away  
give it all away now  
don't let it come apart  
don't want to see you come apart  
and you give it all away  
you give it all away now  
don't let it come apart  
don't want to see you come apart  
and you give it all away_

* * *

Chapter 12: Time Comes

Jayne sits on the catwalk, River resting in his lap. He's hungry, he skipped breakfast. The footsteps come up to him slowly. He knows the sound of high heels on metal grating. She stops beside him, her long skirt rustling against his shoulder and he doesn't look up.

"Why's she do it?" he says quietly.

"Who? River?"

"Yeah. Why'd she kill herself? I don't understand it. Just upped and out of her body. At her own whim. What makes a girl do that?"

"River was…troubled…" Inara tries to help but Jayne ploughs on like he hasn't heard her.

"Now she's talking to me, and I try to shoot her ruttin' brother."

"You did what?" Inara's normally calm voice goes shrill.

"Figured if he was dead then she'd shut up. But all she did was yammer on to tell me not to kill him. And I didn't." His fingers stroke the gun in his lap gently, like it's a small kitten. "Hell I ain't a wimp. I'll kill a man if I want to. But I couldn't kill him. He'd have welcomed it. He'd have been happy for me to shoot him. She wasn't."

He looks up at her now and his eyes are sadder than Inara has ever seen them.

"Where did Simon go?"

Jayne points out down the ramp. "Bout twenty minutes ago. Thing is…" he sighs and decides he is going crazy, "I'm starting to think she's got a point. He's cracking. I don't want to help him. Bastard didn't believe me anyway. But she's not going to stop until I do. One word and I pulled the gun away. Gou zao de! I passed out! On a job. I never pass out on a job for no reason. Got her dead." He rubs his eyes. "Feng kuag girl. Why should I care?"

"Its alright to hurt Jayne," Inara says lowering herself delicately to sit beside him. "I am. Mal is, in his way. Kaylee is. You can grieve for River. We all are. It takes time."

"It always takes time." His voice is tired as he cuts her off, an idea forming. Kaylee. Is she the key River? She doesn't answer him. And his fingers go round his River again for comfort.

* * *

Kaylee starts to scrub down the new motivator coil Mal had brought back for her from going out to set up new and exciting crime. She scours at a particularly stubborn piece of grease and doesn't hear Jayne behind her until he speaks.

"Need a hand?"

Before she can answer he has plonked himself on the deck next to her and is up to his elbows in soapy water.

"Thank you," she wonders if he heard about what Simon said. Think of the devil she thinks, hearing his unmistakable footsteps on the ramp. She looks up sharply.

Simon is walking slowly into Serenity. But something is wrong. He stumbles slightly at the top of the ramp, catches himself, sways slightly and continues. It looks like there is a sheen of sweat on his forehead and his eyes…Kaylee is sure something ain't right.

"Simon?" she doesn't even know if he'll speak to her after earlier. Beside her Jayne is tense.

His head turns to look at her and Kaylee's eyes widen when her gaze meets his. Simon's eyes have a glazed over look. Before she can look away, Simon suddenly keels over. His head hits the cargo bay decking with a sickening thud.

"Oh God!" Kaylee scrambles to her feet. "MAL!" she screams as loudly as she can.

The sound of running boots echoes above her head as she goes to Simon's side. He really does not look well. Oh God there's blood. Just a trickle near his left temple. And a few small spots of red on the left cuff of his pristine white shirt.

Mal and Zoë come thundering down the stairs and they don't say a word until Simon is laying on the infirmary's couch. Kaylee hovers in the doorway, Jayne behind her. Zoë is all business, stripping off Simon's shirt.

"Mal," Zoë gestures down to Simon's left arm. Kaylee scurries forward to look too. Below the needle tracks on the inside of Simon's wrist is a brand new black tattoo. An entwined 'R' and 'T' are inked into his skin. Around the tattoo the skin looks inflamed and red.

"Is that why he…?" Kaylee starts.

Behind them Wash and Inara enter the infirmary. Mal is rifling through Simon's pockets. He looks to Zoë and shakes his head. He holds up a small glass vial.

"Doc's trouble ain't that ink," he purses his lips. "He's strung out on drops."

"What?" Wash stares at the captain as though he has just grown another head.

Kaylee looks like she might vomit. "Are you sure?"

Mal shrugs. "Well I can't be the only one noticing his mood swings lately. Zoë. Everyone else, dining room, ten minutes."

Zoë nods, knowing what she has to do.

Zoë has to raid the doctor's room. Book catches her at it.

"What's going on? Invading the boys privacy after everything he's been through?"

Zoë pulls three bottles of pills out from under the mattress. "He ain't in a position to argue Preacher." She fishes under the bunk itself. "Simon's currently in the infirmary. Mal will explain in the dining room in a minute."

Book turns and leaves, muttering something biblical under his breath.

She shakes a bag out on to the bed, and gathers together the selection of pill bottles, medicine bottles, syringes, and packets she finds. Some are empty, some not. Zoë methodically searches the room until she is sure that she has got everything. She returns to the infirmary and dumps the entire lot onto a work surface. Simon is doped and Mal has sent the others away.

He stares at the haul grimly. "What have we got?"

"Dioexiotimal, anti-psychosis medication. Aspirin. Biatizine, another one of River's I'd guess. Valistat, anti-depressant." She squints at another bottle. "Zolaform, God knows what that does. Colisant for mood swings. More of River's anti-psychosis medicine. Syringes. Sleeping pills. Anaesthetic. Dopers. Amphetamines." Zoë looks to Mal, whose face is dark. "And the drops."

Mal looks to the offending vial on the worktop. "Yeah," is all he can think of to say.

"Think he's an addict sir."

Mal throws her a look. "Maybe he's trying to join his sister."

"Maybe not," comes a voice from the doorway. "Boy needs help."

"He surly does," Mal folds his arms. "But not at the expense of my crew. A junkie doctor? In an infirmary full of drugs? A wanted fugitive making illegal drug deals on the back streets of Persephone? Shepard I don't know if we can help him."

"Everyone can be helped Captain."

Book's calm voice is starting to irritate Mal. "All the doc needs right now is a doctor, which we ain't got. Now we're gonna talk about this, with everyone."

* * *

They sit around the dining table to talk about Simon. Inara thinks about the incident with the tea and if she'd just spoken up whether this could be prevented. But she stays silent. Mal paces up and down at the end of the table. Jayne drums his fingers on the table. That tune which is stuck in his head. Her song. Kaylee stares at the tabletop, looking on the verge of tears. Zoë is all business. Wash is looking shocked and babbling, "Simon wouldn't be that stupid. He's a doctor. He knows what they things do to people…"

Book looks serious. "Sometimes the Lord has to test his flock."

"God wasn't testing him Preacher. The doctor did this himself." Mal looks round at them all, face set hard. "And time has come that we need to deal with him."

"What?" Kaylee's eyes snap up to Mal instantly.

"Something will have to be done Kaylee. And he's made damn sure that it falls to us to do it." He shrugs. "I'm open to suggestions."

Book looks up again. "We have to help the boy. It's the right thing to do."

Inara nods. "We can't give up on him. After River."

Jayne flinches at her name and stops drumming his fingers.

"Valid point Shepard, but can we help him?" Mal raises a hand to silence the "Captain…" forming on Kaylee's lips. "I know what you think Kaylee. You think the sun shines out of his pigu and the like. But right now that ain't helpful."

Kaylee stares at him, mouth open. Inara wraps her hand around Kaylee's to soothe and silence her.

"Zoë, you're being awful quiet. Time to wade in."

Zoë looks up and meet his eyes steadily. "I think we should leave him at the nearest hospital sir."

"What?" Wash stares at his wife. "No. No way. He's…he's…"

Zoë knits her fingers together and keeps her eyes on Mal. "Not saying it's a great solution sir. But he needs professional help. We can't give him that. He'll be a time bomb. Can we afford that?"

"No. I won't fly the ship," Wash continues. "I won't do it. You can't make me. Zoë…"

Kaylee just sniffles, her head down. Inara is still holding her hand and staring at Mal as though her eyes alone will get him to change his mind. "Mal you can't seriously consider this."

He looks at her, "Would like nothing better than to dump the son of a bitch and run, but it ain't that simple. Never is."

"Do unto others captain…" Book begins.

Jayne rubs his eyes as the arguing intensifies. Only Kaylee isn't talking. Jayne can hear her crying softly.

"Please Jayne…" that voice, girlish, pleading and driving him slowly insane.

"Shut up!" he growls viciously at the phantom voice. .

Everyone falls silent and stares at him, his tone being so authoritative and all.

"Something to add Jayne?" Mal asks.

"Yes," Jayne snarls. "He stays on Serenity. We owe her that." Jayne gets up and walks out of the room.

Mal stares at his back open mouthed. "Did he just order me on my own gorram ship?"

* * *

Translation Notes

Feng kuag – crazy, insane

Gou zao de! - This can't get any worse! 

Pigu - ass


	13. We Do What We Can

I know, I know, its been ages without an update. Life has come crashing down on my writing time. But here is shiny chapter 13. After this, maybe 1 or 2 chapters till the end.

Please review - just because I love reading them.

* * *

Chapter 13: We Do What We Can

Kaylee sits with Simon until he wakes up. Six hours. She holds his hand and tries talking to him, but none of it makes a difference. Kaylee shifts her position on the stool and bites her lip, tears welling again in her already red-rimmed eyes. Oh Simon, please wake up. She vividly remembers him rubbing her cheek when she woke up in here. Please Simon. How could you be that stupid? Drugs? Why? Why didn't you talk to me? Why didn't I notice? There are purple shadows under his eyes, and a bandage on his temple where he hit it on the floor. Kaylee tries to keep her eyes away from that.

Simon's eyes slowly flicker open. He looks at her briefly with his bloodshot gaze then slides his eyes away. He takes in his infirmary carefully. Why is there a triceratops sitting on his clean work surface?

"Thank God." More tears run down Kaylee's face. "Simon…why did you do it?" Her fingers tighten round his.

He doesn't reply, just turns his face to the wall.

"Getting River's initials carved into you arm ain't gonna help you."

"What would you know?" his voice is full of pain.

"Plenty," comes a voice from the doorway. "Not all of it useful. Kaylee can I have a few moments with our good doctor."

"Yes Mal," Kaylee lets go of his hand, and Simon can hear her moving out of the room.

Heavier footsteps come his way and Simon knows when he's in trouble. Mal leans right over him. Simon turns his head and finds himself caught right in the middle of the stare Mal only usually reserves for people he's about to kick through an engine. When he finally speaks his voice is low and dangerous. "You pull this stunt again and you will go out the airlock. I will not tolerate you endangering my crew or my ship."

He leans back and folds his arms. Simon stays silent, his head pounding from the comedown from the drops and the combination of whatever else they've pumped him with. He knows Mal will carry out his threat if he has too.

"I know Kaylee has a soft spot for you doc. Blindsides her sometimes. Thinks she can save you or some such. All noble and heroic and romantic, but not practical. You understand logic being a doctor and all. She might hate me for a spell. Might even cry. But it's logical." Mal pauses and Simon feels sick, imagining what is coming next. "She'll get over you."

Simon's stomach plummets to somewhere in his feet, which since he's lying down seems implausible.

"As of now you are confined to you quarters and banned from the infirmary indefinitely. And don't be looking for any 'hits' in here now, we've locked up anything you can get high on." Mal puts his face close to Simon's. "I will not have a junkie doctor on my ship dong ma?"

"Yessir," Simon murmurs.

"Good." Mal turns and leaves the infirmary.

Simon stares at the white ceiling for a minute. Suddenly he starts to laugh out loud. And for a long frightening moment he couldn't stop.

* * *

Wash hears Zoë climbing down the ladder and rolls over so he's facing away from her side of the bed. Zoë sighs and undresses before slipping under the covers. 

"Honey?"

Wash grunts, still pretending to be asleep.

"I know you're awake Wash."

He sighs audibly.

"Look I didn't mean it to sound harsh…"

"What happened to not leaving a man behind?" Wash interrupted.

Zoë thinks he sounds a bit hurt. "Simon needs medical help. None of us are doctors. Do you know the after effects of an overdose? Does Mal? I sure don't. If we leave it will he be ok? Will he die horribly slowly?"

Wash digests this and wonders if he saw the war Zoë at that table. He rolls over to face her. "Zoë. We don't leave people. If that was Kaylee or Mal would you leave them?"

She winces. "It had to be said…someone had to at least suggest it, get it out of the way. I'm sorry. I know it wasn't what people wanted to hear. Least I didn't upset Kaylee like the captain." She meets his eyes. "And as much as I hate to say this, Jayne is right."

Wash stifles a half laugh and slips his hand around his wife's waist. He can never stay mad at her for long. "Come here."

* * *

Simon opens his eyes slowly, the room spinning, and can hear them talking outside his door. They've moved him back to his own room. He's pretty sure that they've locked the door after what Mal said to him. 

His tattoo is itching like crazy underneath the bandage they put over it. In order to take his mind off it he tries to pick out words from beyond the door.

"…We take turns. Jayne you're up first."

"But Captain…"

"No Kaylee."

"Ruttin' crazy…" something in Jayne's voice doesn't sound completely convinced in what he is saying.

Simon becomes aware of the gnawing pain in his stomach and knows exactly what it means. It feels like someone had removed all his internal organs, like an autopsy, leaving nothing in their place. He can't think about that pain. If he does he will go insane.

Simon gets unsteadily to his feet and tries the door. Like he suspected it's locked. He feels a flash of anger. How dare they lock him up like an animal?

"Let me out!" he yells, kicking at the door. "Let me out!"

"No doctor, you're staying put," Mal's voice floats back calmly.

"Its for the best," Kaylee's voice shakes a little.

Simon's tone turns wheedling. "Please Kaylee. I'm alright. I just need a couple…just enough to stop the pain. I know what I'm doing. Come on Kaylee, for me?"

"No," Mal answers, his tone flat and very hard. "You can scream yourself hoarse for all I care."

Simon is sure he hears a tiny whispered, "I'm sorry" from Kaylee as their footsteps move away.

"Don't even think about asking me," Jayne growls at him.

Simon goes back to the bed and lays down.

"I told you he was drowning."

Both men pretend they haven't heard the soft voice. Simon turns his face to the wall and waits to die.

* * *

Inara goes to sit with him and finds him shivering violently. She tucks heavy blankets around him, while he fitfully sleeps. He keeps waking up, half delirious. There are sweat beads on his forehead. 

"I'm cold."

She touches the side of his face gently. His skin is burning to touch. Inara lays the cool damp cloth against his forehead again. Tenderly she strokes his face and hair until he closes his eyes again. "Leave me alone…" he mumbles weakly.

"Ssshh Simon. I'm not leaving you."

The door slides open softly.

"How is he?" Kaylee asks stepping in. She comes and kneels by the bunk and Inara's stool.

"He's…"

Simon rolls over, gagging and Inara has a bowl under his mouth without any fuss.

"Oh baby," Kaylee sits on the edge of the bed and strokes his back while he throws up. Finally he sinks back into the pillows. He starts to cry.

Kaylee climbs fully onto the bed and gathers him into her arms. He sinks against her, his face buried somewhere in her chest, making her shirt wet. He doesn't move his arms around her, he has no right to. He breathes in the scent of engine grease and Serenity, and it makes him cry harder. He doesn't deserve this. He isn't worthy of her. She shouldn't be here. Shouldn't be holding me, she should be angry with me. Should be hating me. Kaylee runs her fingers up his back and through his hair, making him tremble. He closes his eyes tightly. She smells like strawberries, like Kaylee, and after how he has behaved he doesn't deserve her.

* * *

Mal just knows something is wrong the moment he wakes up. He prowls out of his room, and tries to work out why he woke. He soundlessly moves through his ship until he reaches the passenger quarters. Mal can hear muffled sobbing, like someone stuffing a pillow into their face. He knew it would be here, knew it would be him. He sighs and slides open the door. 

"Doc?"

The bed is rumpled but empty. One of Wash's toy triceratops is laying on the floor, next to an empty bowl and one of Inara's heavily patterned blankets. Mal steps back and listens, trying to distinguish the source of the sound. He goes to the next door and pauses. He doesn't want to open this door. He swallows and opens it.

Simon is laying on her bed, curled into the foetal position, wearing just grey pyjama bottoms and pressing his cheek into River's pillow. His whole body is shaking as he tries to keep his sobs quiet. A stack of drawings is scattered across the floor. Clutched in his hands is a cream jumper. Mal recognises it as one of River's, which they had bought for her on Greenleaf as a surprise. They had been fed up of the poor girl shivering. Simon's hands are knotted in the jumper and he is holding it against his mouth.

"Simon?" Mal says as softly as he can, while closing the door behind him. Save the boy more humiliation should someone else wake up. There is the teeniest pause in the sobbing, but Simon stays where he is. Mal sits on the edge of the bunk next to his feet. "Simon," he repeats more firmly.

There is no reaction from the boy on the bed. Mal sighs again and wonders what to do. Maybe he should get Inara. But she's spent every spare moment she has of the past three days sitting in Simon's room. She holds the bowl when he throws up, tucks him in at night, listens to his babbling. Even Kaylee hasn't spent as much time there, every time she does, she ends up crying. Mal can't wake Inara. It isn't fair. He's on his own. No one said captaining would turn into mothering.

Mal silently pulls Simon to him. He's seen him calm River from her night terrors; maybe the same thing will work on the other Tam sibling.

"Ssshhh ssshhh," Mal murmurs gently, rocking Simon back and forth, and feeling like an utter fool. He's glad he closed the door.

Simon twists the jumper in his hands and doesn't make any attempt to explain this away, make it appropriate, make it proper.

"She killed herself," he sobs. "Oh God. She did this." He chokes and a flurry of sobs engulfs him. "Why can't I stop? I need help. River, I need her." He screws his eyes tight shut and buries his head against Mal's shoulder.

Mal rubs his back awkwardly.

"She'll never forgive me."

Mal doesn't know if he means River or Kaylee, and doesn't ask.

"I don't want to feel like this! I want it over. Wasn't good enough, couldn't fix her, couldn't save her…" Simon looks up and his eyes will haunt Mal for a long time. "I tried," his voice cracks. "I did. Not good enough."

"Now that ain't true." Mal feels Simon shivering next to him and grabs River's blanket. He throws it round Simon's shoulders. "What happened wasn't your fault."

"But…why do I hurt so much?" his voice is a confused child's.

"That's the way of death. Way of life. We all die. Someday. Hers was just sooner than God intended. Don't mean you didn't help her."

"I never got to say goodbye."

Mal nods silently, not knowing what to say.

"I wanted to feel something," Simon's voice is a ragged whisper. "Feel anything. Then when I did…I wanted to block it all out." He wraps his arms around his stomach, looking sick. "I didn't really want to…it seemed the easy way…Oh God Kaylee." Simon buries his face in his hands.

"Go back to bed Simon."

Simon nods and gets unsteadily to his feet, River's jumper still in his hands. Mal places a hand on the boys shoulder and steers him back to his own room. Simon gets back into his own bunk, still refusing to let go of the jumper and River's blanket round him.

"Goodnight Simon."

Mal turns to leave, but Simon's hand whips out of the blanket with more force than Mal would have expected. He grabs Mal's wrist in a death grip.

"I need help. You have to help me."

"We will." Mal twists his wrist and breaks the doc's grip. He leaves the room, and shuts the door. He mutters to himself. "If we can."


	14. Goodbyes

Here it is! the very last chapter! Please review! Its been harrowing but fun to write.

The poem is 'If That High World' by Byron.

* * *

Chapter 14: Goodbyes

Kaylee knocks on the door before she opens it, balancing the tray on her other arm. Simon is sat up in his bunk, shirtless, the blanket pushed down round his waist. Kaylee raises an eyebrow, says nothing, and lays the tray on his lap. He blushes under her gaze and lays aside the triceratops she'd caught him playing with.

"I bought you soup," she says gesturing to the bowl. "Made it myself."

She looks so proud that Simon can't help but smile. He picks up the spoon and eats a mouthful.

"Its good."

Kaylee beams.

"But why are you doing this Kaylee?"

"What?" she frowns at him.

"I was a ben zhou hundan to you Kaylee. And you're not even cross. You should hate me and you're bringing me soup. After what I've done you shouldn't want to be anywhere near me."

Kaylee sits down carefully next to his feet. "River's right. You really are a boob. Sure you were real mean, but it weren't you talking. You're not like that. And I gave you reasons…"

"What?"

"I shouldn't have got mad at you bout 'Nara. Its just, well you got all crazy about what happened with us in Canton and you wouldn't share a bed with me since it ain't proper and all. But then I find you half naked in a Companion's shuttle and well my brain just went bibildy."

"It was River who ripped my shirt," he says quickly.

"I know. But Bester was a convenient way to make you feel worse. He didn't sell you out you know, not on purpose. And nothing happened with Mal I swear!" Kaylee is almost gabbling now. "We only shared a room because it was busy! And the last room only had one bed. He was a perfect gentleman I promise."

Simon silently bites the inside of his cheek then eats a mouthful of soup to hide it. He doesn't need to hear about Kaylee being in bed with another man.

"This is really good," he gestures to the soup with the spoon.

"River told me to look after you, I didn't do a very good job did I?"

Simon stares at her for a moment. "I covered it well. I didn't really want to die. I just…I didn't want to be…broken."

Kaylee looks like she might cry. And if she does Simon will break.

"Before she died River told me I was her perfect, amazing big brother and that she loved me." He sighs. "If I'm so perfect and amazing why couldn't I save her?"

"Don't think that. You tried your best. The captain and Zoë and Jayne all said the same. Everyone cried for her…"

"But why help me? You, and Inara has been a saint. And Mal two nights ago."

Kaylee cocks her head in confusion. "Mal?"

"Lets just say he made me realise something."

Kaylee grabs his toes through the blanket and wiggles them with a smile. "Remind me to thank him for you being able to smile again."

"And for letting me stay aboard."

"That was Jayne. Ordered the captain and everything. His face was priceless."

She's smiling again and Simon gets a flashback of her face when he stormed out. "Kaylee I am so sorry. I should never have said all those things to you. You don't say that to a lady."

"Lady?"

Simon nods, going pink. "Yes. My mother would be appalled with me. Oh guay!" His face falls. "I wrote to my parents. Mal is going to kill me."

Kaylee gives his foot a squeeze. "I won't tell. And they needed to know about her."

"I'm sorry Kaylee. I'll make it up to you I swear."

"For a smart person you really are dumb sometimes you know?"

"I thought I hid it well," he says with a weak smile.

Kaylee smiles widely at him and slides herself up the bed to sit next to him. "Now eat up doctor or I'll have to feed you myself." She rests her head against his shoulder. "And you can tell me between spoonfuls what you were doing with the triceratops."

"Wash sent him I guess." He looks mortified, and Kaylee can hardly hear the next few words. "I called him Hippocrates."

* * *

Mal leans over the sink and spits out the blood from his mouth. He looks up and wipes his face with the back of his hand. He climbs out of his room and heads for the infirmary.

The ship seems unusually quiet. He decides to peek into the passenger quarters to check on Simon. He catches a glimpse through the open door of Shepard Book and Simon, and the sound of voices lowered in prayer.

"Our Father, grant the soul of River peace and Serenity…"

If it helps him, Mal thinks, heading for the infirmary quiet as a cat. He passes the common area and notices a figure fast asleep across the chairs. She doesn't look so grand and glamorous now, lying there with her mouth open. He looks at her for a moment.

"She's worn out. Been up all night. Simon was sick again."

"I know it little Kaylee." Mal says softly looking to her as she appears beside him, shadowed in the muted light. Then he heads into the infirmary.

Kaylee catches sight of the blood in the harsh infirmary light. "Cap'n? Are you ok?"

"I'm fine." Mal wipes away the blood with a cloth and then studies his face in the reflection on the back of a metal pan. "Just bit my lip that's all. Knew that red protein was off, too tough to chew proper." He pulls his lip down to look at the tiny cut inside. "Bled like a bitch though."

Kaylee slips her arm round his waist. "Thank you."

"What for?" he says laying down the pan.

"Not kicking him off. And for the other night."

Mal raises his eyebrows. "I didn't do anything."

Kaylee gives him a look that says 'I know', then glances out the door towards the common area. "You and Inara. Thank you. He is grateful you know. He didn't want to die."

Mal nods. "I know." He touches his lip with his thumb again, and looks at it. The bleeding is almost stopped. "You know I've had enough of blood for a spell."

* * *

Jayne opens his eyes and knows she's there. He can just tell. He sits up on his bunk, causing several weapons to fall to the floor. The river pistol however remains where it was resting on his stomach.

"Red tin hero."

He winces. "I ain't a hero girl. You know that."

"He's not drowning anymore. He's got a lifeline." She lowers her voice. "Time for you to throw up the water you swallowed."

He feels very cold and scarily he knows exactly what that means. "River…don't go." He's not ready for her not to be around. Just got used to the phantom voice.

"The river doesn't run that way." There's a hitch in her breath. "Not a fairy tale. No happy ever afters. The mercenary isn't the one who gets the girl is he?"

"Guess not." Jayne feels like he's falling. Am I dreaming again? But I can't see her, only hear her.

"But swans mate for life!" He tone is distraught. "Cob and Penn. Everyone a match. My swan prince. This isn't fair."

"Life ain't fair…"

"This isn't life! I'm dead!" she snaps. Then her tone softens again. "The river is calm now. He can swim. She'll hold his head above water. I'm just be a stone in a pond casting ripples to the edge. Wash over your toes when you paddle." She giggles. "Paddle in river."

"You're saying goodbye ain't ya? Goodbye River."

Jayne swears blind he can feel her hand brush against his cheek.

"My cob. My Jayne. My red tin soldier." Her voice turns fond. "Copper for a kiss. I'll always be waiting."

The faintest breeze brushes against his lips and he wonders if it was her. He suddenly feels very dizzy, like when he passed out at the factory. He grabs the small black pistol in one hand and the edge of the bunk with the other, and wills himself to shake off the feeling.

"Take care of me," River says affectionately, and then there is silence in the room, and Jayne realises that the hand holding 'River' is shaking.

* * *

Simon stares hard at the cargo bay floor feeling a complete and utter loser. Top three percent my ass. I'm so stupid. He shifts his weight on the step and pulls his sleeves over his hands. Jayne stomps past him and claps him on the shoulder so hard that he almost tumbles down the stairs.

He resettles himself after Jayne has gone. He knows what he needs to do now.

"Goodbye River," he says aloud to the empty cargo bay.

"_If that high world, which lies beyond_

_Our own, surviving Love endears;_

_If there the cherish'd heart be fond,_

_The eye, the same, except in tears –_

_How welcome those untrodden spheres!_

_How sweet this very hour to die!_

_To soar from earth and find all fears_

_Lost in thy light – Eternity!_

_If it must be so: 'tis not for self_

_That we so tremble on the brink;_

_And striving to o'er leap the gulf,_

_Yet cling to Being's severing link_

_Oh! In that future let us think_

_To hold each heart the heart that shares;_

_With them the immortal waters drink,_

_And soul in soul grow deathless theirs!"_

The voice is a whisper behind his left ear. He doesn't dare turn around to look.

"You always loved Byron," he murmurs.

She laughs. "And you always favoured Keats."

"I'm so sorry." Simon's voice cracks.

"Wasn't up to you. '_How sweet this very hour to die!_' Simon."

Simon feels tears well in his eyes. "Wo ai ni mei mei."

"Sweet Lancelot. I was just your Holy Grail. Go to your Guinevere. Wo ai ni Simon." The next word is a whisper. "Goodbye."

"Simon?" Kaylee comes down the stairs and sits herself next to him.

"_If that high world, which lies beyond_

_Our own, surviving Love endears;_

_If the cherish'd heart be fond_," he murmurs softly.

"What?"

"Nothing, just poetry. Byron. Something River said." He smiles at her.

Kaylee smiles back and Simon leans forward and tentatively kisses her on the lips. He pulls back a moment later, eyes searching her face.

"Feeling better?" she says with a wide grin.

He nods. "And I'd really like to kiss you again."

The slow smile that spreads itself across her face is a good enough answer for him.

* * *

Translation Notes (for whole story)

Hundan – bastard.

Feng kuag – crazy, insane

Ai ya- damn

Shenme? - What?

Goushi buru - lowest of the low

Hwoon dahn – son of a bitch

Wan mêi - perfect, beautiful

Lìngrén jingyi - stunning, amazing  
Kwan Yin! - Goddess of mercy!

Tyen-sah duh uh-muo. - Goddamn monsters.

Jien tah-duh guay! - Like hell!

Nuòfu – coward

Wo ai ni – I love you

Tāmāde húndàn - fucking bastard

Luh suh – crap

Gou zao de! - This can't get any worse!

Pigu – ass

Dong ma? – Understand?

Ben zhou hundan - stupid bastard

Guay - hell


End file.
